I like the hurricane metaphor - I've used tornado before because it comes straight from the big book (AA). It is what it feels like for us - flattened and wrecked, looking around at the piles of damage and wondering what the heck to do now!
She does love you. And yes, recovery is all about her. It has to be, and that's the hardest thing to wrap ones head around (my own included).
I moved out - someone here called is "stepping away from the insanity for a bit". Today I have no intention of divorcing. But today I've also been browsing the real estate ads and dreaming of buying my own house. Tomorrow I may feel differently. Who knows?
Moving away from my RAH - about 70 days into AA and sober (so he says) - allowed me to become a lot more clearheaded. Seems as if the distance didn't work for you. I agree that Al-Anon may help, along with books on the topic. And reading others' posts here. I like to read the posts left by folks in the alcoholism forum - it helps me better understand what looked like pure selfishness and mental illness. Now I understand it is a disease. I hate the disease and the situation it put me in, but I no longer hate my husband. I actually reconnected with my emotions and am ok with saying I love him very much and I hope he kicks this but I won't live with an active alcoholic or a dry drunk. Ever again.
You've had years of numbness - that's a great coping mechanism. But now its time to take a step forward and reconnect with your feelings. Al-Anon is great at working the steps that alcoholics work; and those steps help us reconnect with our feelings like it does the alcoholic. I recommend it highly!
Take good care.