she's sober - now what?
Been married for 24 years, the last 10 I have known about my AW's drinking problems. She is a secret drinker, hiding the booze and sneaking drinks (somehow thinking I will not notice, kind of hard when she can barely converse, and passes out on the couch at 8:30pm). Anyway, after 10 years of her on-again off-again, AA meetings for a while, counseling, etc., then "I'm ok", months, even two years at one point of sobriety only to relapse --- well last year she had a bit of a scare (passing out while walking through the house after sneaking a big belt), I told her that was it, I could no longer live like this, she had one chance to sober up for good, the next time we are done. She agreed, and got serious with AA, actually started talking in the meetings, making some friends there, says she is working the steps. Long story short, she has now been sober for a little over a year.
So why don't I feel any better? We have had long talks about how her drinking has affected me, we've been to a marriage-help weekend, but still - I just feel nothing. I don't worry about whether she is drinking, at this point I almost don't care. She says she still loves me and wants to stay together. The last couple years, I have lived on the commitment to the marriage, hoping that she could get sober, but now that she is, what do we have left? We went on a vacation last fall to get away together, and while we had some good times, overall I wished I had stayed home, I was irritable and really had trouble with the constant togetherness.
She just spent a couple weeks visiting her mother in another state, and she called a couple times and talked about how she misses me and can't wait to get home, and I am speechless, I can't say I have missed her. Honestly, she could have stayed for months and that would have been fine with me.
I do get out with friends, have a good time, I still pursue my hobbies, and when I get all of this off my mind, I still do enjoy my life. But when I am around her, I tend to just shut down, and sometimes feel overwhelmed with sadness, like I am grieving for a marriage that maybe I never really had. She says she still loves me, but I don't feel loved. And I feel incapable of loving her (or really, anyone). I know she is working the steps, and puts a lot of energy into her recovery - I do appreciate how difficult this has been for her. But I also can't help feeling an underlying resentment that somehow, it is still all about her. I am just supposed to bounce back as if the last 10 years never happened? And I feel worse that I can't respond with joy to her progress.
Is it false hope that I can somehow overcome this? Friends, counselors have asked me - do you still love her? And I can't respond, I don't know how to answer. They say think back to the times when you were happy together - and had warm feelings for each other - and while I know that existed, I just can't seem to connect with those emotions. I just feel utterly spent, like my life force has been drained. When she walks into the house coming home from work, my heart sinks. I feel utterly incapable of "loving" her, or anyone, whatever that might mean. Thinking about divorcing sends me deeper into depression and despair. I don't see how that solves any of my problems, and seems somehow like running away from, rather than confronting and solving them. The trouble is, I don't know what to do instead.