StarCat

I wrote this awhile ago, and keep referring to it here, so I thought I would post. This one will never get sent, but I read it often.


XABF,
I told you that I loved you, but that I hated my life due to the strain of dealing with the alcohol.
You said you'd stop, you wanted to stop, but you showed that you weren't interested yet.

I told you that you picked the most wonderful places to go, but I'd rather stay home and not spend money because balancing the bills was so stressful, and I couldn't enjoy going out anymore.
You said you agreed, but not yet - maybe in two years.

I said that I didn't know who I was anymore, that you were pushing me to be things and I wasn't sure that's who I was, and that I felt like all you wanted was for me to agree with you and do all the chores so you wouldn't have to.
You said that upset you, that you knew who I was, and that now I was saying I didn't want to do all the things you loved me for doing.

I said it hurt me, that you felt my purpose in life was to abandon myself completely and just be your maid.
You got angry, and said there are so many things you do for me, I had no right to say that.

I told you I didn't feel like I had a say in anything, that I didn't want all those things, I just wanted to stop worrying about how to pay for them.
You said you understood, but you really loved me and wanted to show it, ignored my request and did them anyway.

I told you I needed some space, that while you were in rehab working on you I needed some space to work on me.
You said you understood, and gave me a list of all the problems you had with me, so I could be more of what you wanted, and called me several times a day to make sure I didn't forget.

I told you we needed to slow down, that everything moved too fast, and I wanted to start over from the beginning.
You said okay, then tried to propose to me during visiting hours in rehab, and didn't understand (or didn't want to understand) that when I said "Don't ask," I meant "I can't answer 'yes'."

I told you that it was difficult walking in your shadow, that you had all the fun and I did all the chores.
You told me that you wouldn't drink anymore, so it would be different, but that now you weren't drinking all our current problems were my fault.

I told you that I needed someone to listen to me.
You asked questions and then told me I was talking too much when I started to answer, then changed the subject completely when I tried to talk about me and my feelings.

I told you I needed someone who loved me for who I am.
You said you do, but there's so many things I have to change so I can be better.


I told you I needed space. You made sure I didn't get any.
I told you I needed love. You smothered me in rules.
I told you I needed to be me. You told me who I had to be to suit you.


I used up everything I had and everything I was to try and earn your love, and it wasn't enough for you, you wanted more than I am, and you wanted me to be less.
So now I am less, and it's still not enough to calm your insatiable appetite, your demands, your requests for what I "owe you." I gave you everything I have, everything I was, I laid it all down in pursuit of a ghost of a shadow of a lie.
Whatever you claim I owe you...

I owe myself more.