StarCat

Long post is long, but you remind me of me in a lot of ways.
The first thing I needed was someone to validate that I was allowed to feel the way I felt, and I wasn't crazy, so I am passing that message on to you.
If you'd like to hear more of my story, I wrote a bunch in the forum, or you can just ask and I'll answer. I don't keep many secrets on the forum here anymore - it's too therapeutic to tell them to someone!


No.
You didn't push him towards the ex-girlfriend.
You made your boundaries clear - either clean up or forget it.
He made his decision clear - you wouldn't support his addiction so he'd find someone who would

Giant red flag! Abusive men don't stop being abusive just because they stop drinking, they need treatment for that, too. (Either concurrent to addiction treatment, or after, because they are too unpredictable and their brain is too muddled when in active - or inactive but untreated - addiction.)
And once they get physical...
Last I checked, there's no word called "downscalate".

Welcome to the return of emotion.
Living on the roller coaster ride that is someone else's addiction leaves very little time for feelings.
Now that you don't "have" to do this, now that you don't "have" to take care of that, now that you don't "have" to put up with him, now that you don't "have" to figure this out...
You never had to do anything. This whole problem has been his problem, not yours, all along.
It is a common sentiment at AlAnon meetings, "He's in jail, so I don't have to worry about him for two months." "She's in court-mandated rehab, so I can relax now." He will be safe in prison, he will not be running around getting drunk or sleeping around, there's no fear of him hurting someone while driving drunk or getting shot for doing something stupid while drunk. He's safe.
He's not your problem, he's his own problem.


This is what addicts do. Nothing is allowed to be their fault, so they blame it on everyone else.
Deep down inside, I believe they know they are the cause of so much hurt and pain, but they cannot afford to admit it to themselves, so they sink deeper into the addiction and denial. It's the world's fault, because they can't confront that it could be something inside them, or they don't want anyone else to know the truth, or something.
Do you really want to spend your life from someone who is bitter, mean, ugly, and cold?
It is not easy to move on, but you stood your ground, and stopped it before it went any further, so you've got a great head start.

You did NOT contribute to his decline. If anything, all your "help" slowed him down.
This would be another reason he cheated, as well.
Addicts like people who help them continue their addiction. If someone stops assisting - or "worse," starts trying to get them to stop - they will find someone else.
If you stood by him, there is a good chance he would have lied to you and cheated anyway.
There is no sense playing the "what if" game - "What if I did this?" "What if that happened?" "What if I stopped this?" "What if I was strong enough to make him stop?"
You cannot make him stop. He is a grown man (at least physically), and it is time he take the responsibility of his own decisions, rather than have other people constantly cleaning up his own mess.
By your own admission, he has lied to you since the beginning of your relationship! You did not know about all the other DUI's, for example. What is to say, even if you were accepting of ALL his behaviors, that he wouldn't keep lying to you anyway? And do you really want to be someone who is mistreated that badly, even if he told you the truth?

How much are you worth, to you?


There are a lot of people here, with a lot of similar stories.
While my XABF was never given a DUI, and has never gone to jail, there have certainly been too many cases for me to count where he should have. He was abusive (verbal, emotional, escalating up the physical scale), he blamed everything on me, I allowed him to put me deeply into debt (not as deep into debt as he'd done to himself, thank goodness), and I allowed him to control my every action.
Then a few days before Christmas, he started throwing chairs, and so I threw him out. (It was not that simple, and there are still a lot of pieces to pick up, but I am working it.)

It feels like my life is my own again. For the first time in a long time, I am "allowed" to make my own decisions, and I can sort through problems with a clear head, rather than an angry drunk saying it's all my fault we have a flat tire because I didn't remove all the nails from all the major highways this morning.
I am responsible for my own actions, but most importantly, I don't get blamed for other people's on a daily basis.

The guilt is hard to work through sometimes, but eventually it will pass.
It helped me to write a letter to XABF (he will never get a copy, this was just for me), detailing all the things I did to try and warn him of the danger in our relationship, and how he reacted to all of it. I was surprised at the length of the list! And I pulled it out whenever I started to doubt myself.

Try to find something that will help you work through your guilt, so you can think straight, and little by little rebuild yourself. Post often, read the other threads - SR has been my lifeline, there's a lot of amazing people and a lot of "great" experience here.