Julesandshoes

Hi,
This is my first time here (I was a total failure at the Meetings; Hoping for healing & understanding of this crap disease).
I met my Soulmate in JR. High (I know, total cliche) We lost touch, & reconnected 20+ years later, & it was as if no time had passed. We both felt the same, had the same instant connection although our lives had taken dramatically different paths, neither of us had yet to marry (both mid 30's): We had similar goals, etc. Won't Bore you with the warm fuzzies, & I don't want to recount them to list.
We reconnected when he found me on Classmates....while he was serving the remainder of his house arrest for his 2nd felony DUI (prior to the "felony" part being added: He guess-timated? He'd had a dozen or so DUI's...found that out about 18 mo. Later, when he was being charged with the THIRD Felony DUI)
I Love Him. I have always Loved him...and I always will. But I Could Not be a part of That Lifestyle. After basically torturing each other for a few years: Me digging in my heels refusing to be married or live-in until he made an effort to commit to sobriety, & him sabotaging & punishing me as a byproduct of active addiction (infidelity, lying, etc. Etc...etc.) He finally got his 3rd DUI, just shy of a year from getting off the ankle bracelet. Disbelief, Anger, Overwhelming feeling of Abandonment but the need to protect and sooth him too? Just conflicted. After 3 attempts at Rehab before going to serve his time (2 of the 3 he was kicked out of, the first one, he finished successfully...and was on an unholy suicide Binger within a month)....I received the cryptic emailed photos from his undisclosed location with a tag line, that he was either going to Kill Himself, or keep going till he hit Canada. It was Gut Wrenching. During this Lost Weekend, it was confirmed he had been seeing his ex-girlfriend intimately, and Regularly for almost the past year. Devestated. (I did just about Everything to Push him twords THAT bad decision: I dug my heels in & would NOT move home, until he committed to recovery. I understand that my lack of presence, contributed Greatly, to ALOT of his Bad Choices.) Things got Violent on 2 of my trips home; When we were suppose to be planning our wedding and our home etc.) the first time, Rough restraint when I said I would not fight with him, & he insisted I would NOT walk out on it. I was stunned by it, never having been in ANY "Physical" altercation like that. I did leave: I dropped him at work, packed my things & got on a plane. Anyway: Probably isn't any of this back & forth, pushing & pulling that I can explain that yall haven't experienced of heard about. So I'll bypass the rest. I was Angry, Sad, Alone, Cried daily, when he went to prison....but a couple months into it, I felt a twinge of relief (& Guilt! for feeling relieved. It was the first time that I wasn't petrified daily that That would be the day he died in a drunk driving accident, or an OD, etc.)...and Equally as twisted, I knew for the first time, he wasn't out drunk running around with accommodating? Women. (Ive felt real crappy for both those Feelings ever since I recognized what they were.) He was released late in the Spring of 10". My Fears about being married to him in an Alcoholic Lifestyle came back stronger than ever. When we were together, it was great. But when it came to making the big move-forever life plan...I freaked out, Again. (He had started his old Internet "friendships" with women, again...and it was Too Much to cope with. While sitting at the freeway entrance, either turn, & head to Vegas, or head for the hills & take route 66 to AZ. I couldn't turn. I cried for hours, then days, but it was done. We ended it. He & I had Both agreed it was sink or swim: and I swam, just as far away as I could get. We have had Very limited, short contact, just for business. Its ugly & cold, and he's bitter, mean, & has some real Wild accusations as to why I did what I did....which hurts almost as much, as being away from him..of letting go of the life I had clung to & planned for "When he was Well."
There is no going back. Even if I could sort out how, he has closed the door. (understandably) Its been almost 2 months...and it's not any easier, any better, and I miss his as much as I ever have. Plus: All the stuff I did to "protect myself" and "Dig my heels in & Wait out his wild streak" is eatting me up. I know that contributed to his decline: I am Not Responsible for His Behavior. But I didnt help prevent the bad choices to much either! I Do Not Understand how he chose his Addiction over me. I Do NOT understand this Addiction at all....(I've read the books, etc. But Emotionally, I do not Understand the behavior, or the horrible betrayals while under the influence.) I'm SO Sad. And Mad...and sad. If he is not going to be my husband, I want it ALL out of my head, I want him out of my heart. I want it gone. (and he isn't going to be my husband: Even if I sorted that out for myself, he wants nothing to do with "us"...and I don't blame him!) I don't know how to carry on. I don't want to date, it actually makes me mad when some poor unsuspecting guy asks. (My formal apologies to Any man who had the misfortune of paying too much attention to me; You didn't deserve the Rude Brush Off, the immediate Scowl, or eye roll.) I don't think I can put this in it's proper place, in MY PAST! Until I understand. (and sadly, I check everyday to see if he called or emailed. I know, beyond twisted.) I don't understand. On paper, even without the Alcoholism, he doesn't come off looking so "Ideal". He's not the most charming, or handsome, or nicest person I've ever seriously dated...But he's the one I love....that I've always loved. I don't know where to put this, or how to move on. ~ Sad. Very Sad, in Seattle.