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Old 01-22-2011, 11:54 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Michelle70
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 24
Jakers, your story is not uncommon. I think you'll find that the people here will understand you in a way that you will find surprising.

Just a couple thoughts for you first of all--have you thought about attending Al-Anon? You may find the support there to be helpful. Also, if you haven't read it, I recommend a book called Codependent No More. I suspect you'll see yourself in the pages and maybe get some insight to why you're feeling the way you do. You say you are a strong woman (and I believe you), but if you considering being in a relationship with this man, you should probably investigate why that is.

I wish I could answer your questions about people who have quit and relapsed and how successful they are when they quit again, but I don't have experience with that. I suspect, though, that he won't quit until he hits some kind of "bottom" that makes him realize his drinking is a problem. Who knows how long that will take? Do you want to wait for that? You described him as "narcissistic...emotionally abusive...always angry...controlling" Living with someone like that for any length of time can have a negative affect on your own self-worth.

My advice is to stay separated from him and if you do talk to him about the possibility of getting back together, be prepared to outline some very specific requirements--some length of demonstrated sobriety, a program or counseling of some kind...whatever it is that you think is appropriate. I was told once by a counselor that everyone has a right to have expectations in their relationship and has a right to have their needs met. They can ask their partner for that, and then the partner has a right to decide whether they can do it. You have a right not to be controlled, emotionally abused and treated poorly. If he shows by his actions that he cannot be that partner, you owe it to yourself to move on.

I'm rambling here, but I'm trying to convey to you that you deserve to be happy, and the situation you were in does not sound conducive to being happy. Loving him isn't enough. Love yourself first and most, be confident in what it is you deserve and make an honest assessment of whether he can give you that. Best wishes to you. Keep coming back here. There is so much understanding and support from people who have been where you are.

Best wishes, and God bless us all.
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