djayr

Hello:

I signed up for this forum years ago while dealing with the ongoing drama and merry go round of my wife's severe alcoholism which has spanned over a decade. I will call her alcoholic wife (AW).

We have no kids, and "I love her", therefore I have put up with every manner of mayhem over the past 10 years, including 5 hospitalized detoxes, and subsequent recoveries. The most dramatic was in 2008, when she fell down the stairs, hit her head, and required brain surgery. The amazing result after 38 days in the hospital was a 100% recovery, 2 years of sobriety, and the biggest miracle any of us could have imagined.

This includes recovery from yellow eyes, alcoholic hepatitis, and cirrosis of the liver. 100% recovery. She was almost dead dead to begin with, when she fell in 2008. I genuinely felt my prayers were answered at the time, and the LORD had saved her life and our marriage, happily ever after.

That was up until 3 months ago, when she went out of town to see some family. She stayed longer than expected, and came home drunk. She felt terrible, and I begged her to stop cold turkey before she got physically addicted to vodka again. It had only been about a week of using. Too late. She didn't stop, didn't try to stop, and in fact went BACK out of town a few days later, using a ridiculous excuse that her father needed her help with something.

This trip was another 8 days, and this time she came home completely, totally addicted to alcohol. Yet pretending not to be. She kept going to our Christian recovery group (drunk), in which she was a "leader". She lied to everyone in sight and I could see it all slipping away again.

That was when I checked her cell phone text messages. I had a funny feeling. Funny meaning bad. Sure enough, I found a dialogue in her iPhone 4 (which shows both sides of a text conversation back and forth), with things like "I love you" and "I love you too", and talking about back rubs, changing the world together, and she also used the word "screw".

Of all the things I thought we had, it was an underlying friendship and fidelity to one another, that no matter what we went through together, at least we were faithful to one another. I felt sick, literally like I wanted to throw up, and I still do.

I told her to STOP these messages, and asked "what have you done ... MY GOD, what have you done?" She said the messages weren't real, that they were just a "joke".

As an al-anon veteran with an understanding of detachment, I made a decision not to go crazy with this 24/7 where I would lose any ability to think, live my life, or engage with others in a meaningful way. So I stood back for a week or two to see what would happen next. Besides, we had 15+ of her family coming for Thanksgiving, all from out of town, all staying at our house.

AW was wasted the night they showed up. Her mother, who had arrived 2 days early, was heartbroken and pissed off at the same time. It was all the same old #@!$!@ we had put up with for years. All of her favorite people in the world, at her house for the first time, just in time to see her pathetic and drunk. They stayed for 4 days and we made the best of it, but it was sad.

Many shared with her their concerns, and asked her to get help - little did they realize that her marriage was also crumbling because of unfaithfulness, I kept that to myself.

After everyone was gone, I couldn't help but check her cell phone again. Not only was the previous guy still in the mix with more "I love you's" back and forth than ever, now there were TWO new guys in the mix as well. AW's provocative text message statements like "I think I'm falling in love with you" and "did I scare you away?" and "do you want in?" -- made me realize that she was going competely, totally off a cliff.

So I confronted her again -- trying to keep these guys straight, trying to figure out who is coming and going. I said she was cheating on me and having an affair, to which she looked genuine shocked and surprised that I would accuse her of such a thing. She said it was all just a joke.

I better speed up:

...she invited her slimy lying friend to live with us for 9 days over Christmas which was a nightmare
...she invited one of these guys over to our house
...my father and I "intervened" her into a medical detox at the hospital and she checked herself out 36 hours later against medical advice
...she drove our car into a pine tree 3 doors down in our subdivision


... and last, but not least, at a family wedding about a week ago, her sister told me she said she had sex with my best friend! Not that I trust her sister, or anything AW would say while drinking, but talk about crazy.

Why do I share all this? Because I'm filing for divorce after 16 years of marriage and I have really reached my breaking point. As I read some of the posts of the good men and women who try to accomodate these insane alcoholics -- I realize what SUCKERS we can all turn out to be.

Green eyed monster - yes. A monster that will destroy everything in its path if you don't run for your life.

So she moved out, she is quite distraught, and I am getting papers drawn up as we speak. I can't wait to be divorced. Even if she could sober up and convince me to forgive her, there is NO WAY, and I mean NO WAY, that I would be STUPID enough to stay married because if it happened AGAIN, I would literally die.

This is the last time. I mean the last, last time, because of all the previous last times.

I don't know if this well help anyone out there, I know it will help some people who are trying to be good husbands and wives, who are trying to be kind and gentle and merciful. Who are forgiving, longsuffering, and patient. Who have decided that maybe life isn't a bowl of cherries and that's just how it is. Who are settling for something much, much less than what they wanted out of marriage.

Warning: you might be wasting your time.

For what it's worth, and thank you all for listening,

djayr