still learning,
thank you for your excellent post. yes, that is it exactly.
goldengirl,
you do not have to answer this, but i had this problem too.
do you think defective = codependent?
I did too. As a matter of fact, I was sure I was independent, I had to be. I was the oldest of four with an abusive alcoholic father, but my mother, well my mother was depressed. She was not diagnosed, I just figured it out after I was diagnosed with a major depressive disorder.
I went to rehab with my second husband. I stopped drinking in August, he stopped when he came for two weeks of family counseling. That is when he admitted he had a problem. At the end of two weeks, one of the counselors who knew me well said,
"Beth, S will not get any better, this is the best you will get out of him, and I doubt he will be sober for long after rehab." After 4 more weeks of treatment, he might have stayed sober for two weeks, maybe less.
For some reason, I decided to save S. I was the hero child, so I will be the hero wife.
I will provide all the housing, food, child care and transportation, and save my ex from himself. I did not see myself as codependent, I saw myself as a lifesaver.
I was strong, I could do anything and everything, all while staying sober.
Uhmmmm, nope.
Codependents are not weak, I certainly have not seen that. I have seen people deal with more misery and pain than any human should have to deal with and still hang in there, waiting for the potential to come back.
It takes a great deal of strength to be codependent, and it takes a great deal of strength to give it up.
My ex did not get better by my attempts to save him. It actually annoyed him that I wanted him to stop using. He moved on to cheating.
It was difficult, and it took years to give up on him. I am still working on letting my daughter make her own mistakes, so far she is hangin tough being sober, and I hope I have the strength to put her out if she uses (like I said I would).
Beth