Hi GoldenGirl,
I relate completely to the "trying to understand" your ex. My XABF absolutely had a drinking problem (arrested twice in the space of 12 months, he eventually lost his job over repeated absences etc. etc). But I'm a recovering alcoholic, my Mother was a recovering alcoholic - I know lots of active and recovering alcoholics and this was like nothing I had ever experienced. I have a fantastic therapist - and when I described some of his actions towards the end she pointed out (and made it clear first that it -wasn't- a diagnosis) that his behavior showed borderline and narcissistic traits.
They did. I know this because I started reading up on both and it was like finding an oasis in the desert. I devoured everything I could (there are also some great boards out there on narcissism). Many, many people who abuse alcohol have cluster B personality disorders.
Why does this matter?
It matters because when you start a relationship with a person and sail along for months before "the shoe" drops and they, literally, turn into Mr. Hyde (and I don't mean when he was drinking, I mean sober) and then back to Dr Jeckyll again the next hour, or minute, or day - it's like living in a hall of mirrors. If a normal person who isn't affected by alcohol does a 180 in their attitude and behavior towards you, usually something has prompted it. Not so with borderlines and narcissists.
But if an alcoholic parent raised you - you're used to feeling like you caused "IT" - whatever "IT" is.
I know some alcoholics who struggle with this disease but under normal circumstances have a working moral compass and genuinely love their loved ones. Narcissists don't really love - they don't have the capacity. That was important, really important, for me to understand. I was absolutely determined NOT to date an alcoholic and I had two previous narcissistic boyfriends (only found this out when I started researching the disorder) who were every bit as unavailable as my alcoholic parent and my alcoholic boyfriend.
Again, why does this matter?
It matters because I now now (with the help of alanon) that there are a whole range of reasons that people can be cruel, create chaos or be emotionally unavailable. Alcohol is one of them. Narcisissm is one of them. I don't have a great grip on what "normal" and "healthy" are because I wasn't raised around it. But I'm trying.
If I hadn't questioned - if I hadn't read up on narcissism and BPD and passive aggressive men and you name it (I soaked it up like a sponge) my codependent (there you go, I used the word) brain might think, yet again - well, if he's not an alcoholic and he's still emotionally abusing me then I -really- must deserve it/have caused it/can find a way to "cure" it.
Yes, some behavior is unacceptable - and these days I call it, detach, remove myself and draw a boundary. But I think I needed to understand that many, many people have different reasons for the same characteristics - be they selfishness, infidelity, abusive tendencies, manipulation, dishonesty, taking advantage of others. None of these comes from a healthy place - but that unhealthy place isn't always "just" alcoholism and I need to keep my eyes peeled for more than just empty bottles or beer breath. That's simplistic but you get my drift.
Nowadays, I don't give to hoots what his "problem" was. As long as he's as far away from me as I can keep him, I'm a happy camper. But that need to know, to understand, where the crazy behavior came from was part of my -really- accepting that it wasn't my "fault." And it took about four months for that phase to pass. I think that obsession, with reading recovery literature, with getting into the program, with reading everything I could on everything that might apply - was a necessary part of my detachment. I wasn't focusing so much on "him" as focusing on why what was up with "him" might have nothing to do with me.
Then I got into looking at the broken parts of me that wanted to give him a second, third, fourth chance and to keep (mis)placing my trust and faith in someone who for -whatever- reason couldn't participate in a relationship. then the fun really began :-)
Hope this helps - does it matter "why" someone treats you badly? Maybe not. But if you've been consistently treated that way, maybe you need to look at a mountain of reasons why it might not have been about you after all to start to get the distance you need to begin detaching.
Take what you like and leave the rest on this one, folks - I know this thread has gotten a little heated and this was just my personal experience.
Hugs,
SL.