Thanks Codie...and welcome to SR....and I agree, some alcoholics (not all....as my RAF has empathy which was truly evident when he cared for his partner 24/7 during her battle with cancer) display behaviour that seems narcissistic. And yes GG, I believe my mother has always had those tendencies. Her sister said she was very violent as a child. She ripped a door off it's hinges and used to bash her as she was growing up. I don't know what went haywire with my mother as a child or whether she was born with it, but her behaviour continued into adulthood.
I totally agree with this, which is why I can only share from my own experience. That being, the cause of someone elses behavior is of much less importance to me than how it affects me and how I respond to it. And when I get all wrapped up in diagnosing someone else, I forget that I can trust myself to recognize unacceptable behavior. I don't need to recognize every condition and symptom in the DSM IV in order to protect myself. I simply have to decide what is acceptable and what is not--to me.
Sometimes that's easier said than done. I couldn't trust myself. I'm still battling with that now. I was brought up with a lot of violence. My personal boundaries were violated on a daily basis. I ended up with no or little boundaries. I inherently knew as a child that what I lived with was not normal. We were also isolated and the only comparison I had of my family to what 'everyone' lived out there was, sadly,the Brady Bunch, and Eight is Enough, lol. So, as an adult, even though I recognised I was being abused (only if it was physical/sexual or profanity yelled at me), I had no ability to pick up other types of abuse like emotional and mental abuse, spiritual abuse, control etc. So, yes, I have been in so many situations where my gut feeling says one thing but my head says another and I don't know which one to believe. I've had to relearn all of that stuff and it's slow progress. Now when my gut senses danger, even if there's no evidence of it, I'm starting to listen to it.
Also, when I grew up with such abuse, as a child, I took on all of those things I was called. My siblings and I were blamed and bashed on a daily basis for everything, about everything, and we were made to believe we were not worthy of being alive. We were told that consistently. For me, it was like a light bulb being switched on when I 'disovered' my mother's disorder. Thank God, I had a name for it. I wasn't alone. There are professional people that know these types of people exist. They know what they do. They know my mother. I'm not crazy! It was then that I realised there was nothing I could do or say that would ever change my mother's behaviour and make her realise what she did/does to us. It was then that I could take steps to protect myself. It was then that I could gently tell my older sister when she continued and still trys to gain my mother's approval that it's no reflection on who she is as a person, but our mother will never love us. It's been since then I've been able to help my younger sister realise that she truly is beautiful and her hair is gorgeous, as she grew up believing she was ugly and was too scared to go to the hairdresser because she was told (as we all were) that our hair was disgusting. It's because I know it's not me, but my mother's problem/disorder that I have never allowed her to be alone with any of my children etc etc.
For example, I have a boss who can be a real d!ck sometimes. When he treats me with contempt, I can go all victim, wonder if he's an alcoholic, narcissist, or was abused as a child. Or, I can simply acknowledge that he's behaving like a jerk, and figure out the best way to respond in terms of protecting myself from his behavior.
That's where I'm heading. That's where I want to be and thank god, I'm getting there, finally at the age of almost 40. I'm realising now, I don't need/want to be around people like that or if I have no choice to put boundaries in place.
Whatever works for you is great. Just sharing what works for me.
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Well, that felt emotionally cathartic...Think I need to go for a walk....