Cyranoak,
I hear what you're saying. I realized that I was and to a degree, still do the exact things you've described.
After reading Codependent no More by Melodie Beattie, I realized that 1 of the things a codie does is try and control everything. For me, I like things done a certain way and if my AW didn't do it that way, sober or not, I would get upset. So, I've been working pretty hard at skimming over those small things that can and will turn into bigger things if I let them.
There's so much more you could be doing with your energy than getting fired up because she isn't doing things the way you want them done. I'm learning that they need to learn how to be a sober human. Giving up that need to control your AW could be part of your recovery.