Abuse is abuse, no matter how you slice it, whether there's alcohol involved or not- it's the same. And trying to rationalize or figure out someone's drunken behavior is a dead end.
Drunks always have their finger pointed in the opposite direction. It can be the other person in the room, to the clerk at the grocery store, to the mail man; someone else other than them is really messed up and at fault for everything.
I would get therapy and/or read books on healing from childhood abuse as quickly as possible. And I highly recommend reading alot of ACOA literature, there are a lot of characteristics and self-defeating lifestyle patterns that ACOA's inherit that aren't obvious.
One book I recommend is called 'Becoming Your Own Parent' by Dennis Wholley.
I cried, I mean *bawled*, when I first read it and it opened up a lot of doors and a new sense of self for me.
I hope you are able to realize soon that you are not at fault and you don't have to carry the guilt and the shame for one second longer.
