In the beginning of our relationship: We had arguments every night [I]after[/I dinner and a few drinks or just before dinner so he could out and drink - the next day he would always apologize for getting angry and reverse whatever he said. Not being around an A before I assumed he was either tired or always needed time to think. ( He always got up exceptionally early and had reflection time in which he would think things through and change his mind. And go back to bed for another hour)
When I realized his drinking was the problem - I got answers right out of the book - " I am not an A, I just drink too much sometimes" (and sometimes I don't drink as much) "I am not an A, I can stop anytime I want to" (I just don't see why I have to), " I will stop today and you will see that I am not an A" (oh no you mean I have to stop for more than one day? but I didn't have a drink all day) "No one else sees it as a problem - you are the only one" (the people at the bar never see it as a problem and see the complaining spouse is)
Then there was the "off topic" reasons like: "I drink b/c I am anxious all the time - I had a rough childhood" (50 years later I would think you could get over some stuff and so did I but I don't drink) "I drink b/c it calms me down - it controls my anger" ( I never saw that connection), "I drink b/c you are always angry"( I wasn't angry - I was tired from having to do everything myself and afraid of what might happen to him), " I drink b/c the kids are always around - don't they have lives to live - why can't i have some time for myself" (funny the kids often stayed at their friends homes until he went to sleep and they would meet me for dinner when he went out)
Finally the ones while working on sobriety: "I am sorry it won't happen again", " I can change when I have bought into something I just need time to buy into it", " It is really hard - like trying to stop a train - give me time and I will get there", " I know I have said this many times but I really mean it this time", " Running always takes care of it- you just have to let me do it", " Meditation always takes care of it but I need time" "Yoga really works for me so I have to buy some equipment", " I just need to go to church but you don't like getting up in the morning", "I don't need AA, counseling, anyone to tell me what to do or to read about A, rel or parenting - I don't have those problems - it is just the drinking and I can handle that"
The ones that warned me he had stopped trying: " You see, it is your fault that I drink - no wait - it is my choice and when you can stop blaming me for everything -then maybe I will choose not to drink" (I believe he was blaming me for something at the time) or "Stop blaming me for being an A - we can never move forward as long you keep reminding me - just b/c it is true doesn't mean you have to say so" ( He was the one always complaining that this or that which never happened b/c - well we all know why) or " You are never going to forgive me so why bother." ( I always did forgive - I think he had a problem forgiving himself) "Your SIL and DIL are A's but you never call them that -why is that?" ( I didn't call anyone an A - he did - and my SIL and DIL got sober and maintain it and move forward in their lives)
Wow! I think I had a lot to unload - thanks for the thread.