Suggestion and advice on relationship
It's taken me awhile to get on here and write. I have been lurking for awhile, reading lots of the posts; some helpful, some not. So here is my situation:
I am here to talk about my relationship with my boyfriend, of which we are having a long distance relationship that has been going on for over four months. We have seen each other quite a few times, and talk all day and into the night(no exaggeration). One thing that you also need to know is that I have also known him for a very long time----we grew up together, and we were even in the same daycare as babies. He was one of my younger(and only) sisters best friends, as well as knowing each others families. We reconnected over Facebook very early of 2010, and stayed in contact throughout the year. He was one of the few people that was there for me during my divorce, and made it SO much better by making me think about it objectively. The divorce thankfully has been over for quite some time, and my ex and I have a mostly drama free custody agreement with our three year old daughter.
A little more background on him: He has three college degrees, and one of his goals is to pursue a Masters and Phd within the next year. His family is a little goofy; his mother left him with his dad when he was three years old to pursue--lol--a PhD in Psychology with her focus being Family studies. They have a relationship, but I don't think that is just something you 'just get over'. Anyway...to the story of why I am here.
A little over a month ago, he got into some trouble with the law. A misdemeanor(doesn't matter what it is, but it was from alcohol) Before this happened, we had planned on him moving up to MN to be with me and my daughter(who I share legal and physical custody with my ex) sometime in the near future. At this point, he decided that he needed to stop drinking. Saying that if he looked back at his life any drama or negative thing that had happened was directly or indirectly caused by alcohol. He said he had hit his bottom, and as far as I knew he was just a regular drinker like myself(we didn't live together, so what would I know). All I knew is that he had a job, a nice apartment, a car. In addition, he had several close people die of cancer in the last year---which I don't think he ever dealt with. Anyway...so he starts going to AA, twice a day for a whole month. He was sober, and I know he was because I was also friends with his roomate who was keeping an eye on him as well. His attitude completely changed, his personality changed---not for the worse, but just different. In the meantime, he wants to(with the suggestion from his mother) that he go into rehab. He got into a facility about a week ago, for a 60 day treatment program. Apparantly it was worse than I thought. He repeatedly told me that he was doing it for himself, but in addition he didn't want to move to MN the way he was previously. He wants a life with my daughter and I; that all he has ever wanted was a family to take care of.
So, I guess my question is; what should I do next? He is currently in rehab, but when he gets out do I let him move up here? My thought was that we needed to slow it down a little bit, take our time, let him heal and work out his past issues. I support him 100%, but I also have to think about myself, and my daughter(MOST IMPORTANT). I haven't talked to him about this at all, because of the communication blocks they have at the rehab. I can write letters, but I don't think that really was an appropriate forum to discuss such things. I don't mind at all if he moves to MN, but depending on how much time has passed after his release; I'm not sure if it is the best idea for him to move in directly.
I know that I have some qualities of a co-dependant---mostly in the past. It has been something I have worked on, especially with this relationship. There was no enabling happening, but the 'saving' part came out a little in the beginning when this all started. At this point I have backed off quite a bit, and have thought a lot about setting up boundaries with him. There are just so many unanswered questions right now, that I'm not sure what even to think. Anyone?