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I have been doing a load of reading around how to cope and communicate with someone suffering Borderline Personality Disorder. It seems there are big similarities with the alcoholic’s the behaviour, manipulation, low self worth, volatility.

What I have learned that if you adopt the S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth) style when you communicate you will be more successful.
In responding or requesting, any one communication should ideally incorporate all three.

You initially say something supportive to show you do care. “Listen, I love and care about you and your well being”. Lays the stage to show your motives are good.

Next something empathetic: “How rotten it must be to be in your shoes. I can only try to imagine”. Shows caring, try not to say you know as this could be challenged.
These two lay the ground work of receptiveness.

Next comes the ‘Truth’ part. This is where you state the reality of the situation. “The way we are living in this house/family is unacceptable to me”, or, “The car is trashed after you drove into the gatepost last night. That’s not OK”

The Truth statement spells out the consequences, the Support and Empathy lays the foundations for the accepting of the truth statement.

Has anyone come across S.E.T. before? Maybe some of us have worked out the most productive way to communicate with our addicted loved ones already employ some of this stlye.

I read in the text I have that AA is based hugely around the Truth part. It adds that ignoring the Support and Empathy reduces the receptiveness to truth.

Anyway, I found it interesting and recognised I could employ it to avoid being manipulated, avoid provoking the alcoholic whilst conveying the harsh reality!