Originally Posted by
lost17 
wow, I praise you as I tried this once myself, though befriending their friends def makes no contact impossible, probably why I went back! I think of doing this every day, I feel like I will be deserting him, as he is in rehab and going on 30 days clean as of Friday, but I have alsonoticed as the days go by I seem to have less and less impact on him. I no longer hear "I miss you", or "can't wait to see you", I get fewer calls and I feel like when I do its to tell me what he needs from me, I feel constant pain, I cry atleast 5 times a day, and I am told I am a jerk for feeling jealous and having no trust but have heard nothing but lies for over a year. I guess I expected when he got clean he would see and try to make up for even if just by taking responsibility, but instead I sit and wonder if I even matter. I watched him say nice things about the 10 22yr old girls he now resides with, and not one thing about me at a family class we attended, why is it so hard to let go?
Your finding your way through this fog of addiction and that's good. We all travel our own journey in our own time. It took me 7 years of trying, 7 years of hurt and pain and dissapointment over and over again, al-anon and reading here, reading as much as I could about addiction and MOST of all working on ME and my low self esteem and codependency.
The one sentence that struck me that you said was:
I feel like I will be deserting him.
I used to tell myself things like that all the time, it's what kept me hooked, it's what kept me in the dysfunctional relationship for a too long. I have since learned that I am NOT responsible for him, it's not my job to lean him up, offer unconditional support for the sake of love. It's my job to hold myself up, to offer myself that unconditional love.
Keep posting, you are not alone! Lots of support here for YOU no matter what decisions you make!!!!