CLW, I just want to say that you are certainly entitled to handle this situation in any way you see fit. It's pretty clear to me that there are many who have been 'triggered' on this thread and their responses seem harsh (even to me). I hope that you are able to find some balance and take away what is useful to you.
What you are going through, and will continue to go through for a long time, is extremely difficult. Strangers on a message board are not your best source of the help and support you need to navigate through these high waters. You are seeking out counseling and that is the best thing you can do. Now, stick with it and do all you can to keep yourself healthy. ((((Hugs))))