Originally Posted by
lillamy 
I can't tell you when you know. I lived through many situations that "normal" people would be shocked to find that I was experiencing (because from the outside, we looked like the perfect couple). The night I left, the line that was crossed put me in outright physical danger -- and there was no doubt, and I've never once looked back. I knew. In retrospect, I think I knew years earlier, but I was still fighting the same thing your A is using -- you're all he has.
Couldn't have said it better, Lill. I went through 13 years of progressive alcoholism/addiction with my XA. I navigated the gamut of excuses: he needs to outgrow it, it's his friends, he just can't control his social drinking, he needs me for strength, I have more control over my money/children/home if I'm married to him...etc. I have put up with so many behaviors I never would have thought I'd tolerate: draining our bank accounts (we eventually had to file BK), lies, lies, lies, blame, opiate use, more lies, more blame, drinking and driving, DUI, constant lies, stealing.
Oddly, it wasn't necessarily anything new that was the final straw. I found out that he was using pain meds again and had taken out a $5K loan without my knowledge. Unlike other times, instead of responding with immediate rage, I took 24 hours to line up care for the boys, notify his parents that he'd be looking for a place to live, and arrange for support if necessary (it did get slightly physical). Now, that being said, I did find out 2 minutes before our "discussion" that he was having an affair and that really drove it home. But overall, it was just something I was so mentally prepared and READY for that I just knew.
Guess what? I don't have less control over what happens with my kiddos, I have more. I also realized that the guilt I felt about taking them away from HIM was more guilt for taking him away from them. It IS hard for kids...I won't lie. But as hard as it is, when he shows up to pick them up reeking of last night's beer, I know I have made the right choice.
I do have to say, I second guessed myself for about 2 weeks after it happened. Like Rayn said, sometimes you have to get some physical distance before you settle into it and can begin to move forward. It sort of felt like an out-of-body experience for me when I told him to leave. My heart was thinking of all the reasons why I COULDN'T do it but I let my head take the lead and think of why I SHOULD. After he was gone for two weeks, I began to feel an unfamiliar sense of peace in the house. A few weeks after that, I decided that I wanted to keep it.
I won't say it's easy. I am struggling financially and I have to endure random verbal attacks from him (sometimes anger, sometimes guilt trips) but I keep coming here, working AlAnon steps and reading (Codependent No More, Too Good to Leave-Too Bad to Stay). I am agnostic and AlAnon has been a stretch for me, but I have found some great secular versions of the steps that have helped me wrap my mind around them (seriously...I read them and thought "OH!!! Now THIS I can do!") I'm happy to share if you'd like. The support and peace I gain through AlAnon far outweighs any struggles with the religious basis, IMHO.
Keep coming back and keep moving forward!