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Old 01-10-2011, 12:17 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
crystal226
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by timinamama View Post
Can any of you share your moments when you stopped hesitating and finally left your alcoholic spouses? And how you've done it - the logistics of it?
I was struggling in my relationship for quite some time. He was lying to me all the time, he was emotionally and physically not available to me, he was selfish, and I felt alone. I didn't know what to do and for a long time I didn't even see the drinking as an issue. I was in denial that it was a problem. I figured everyone has their issues and this life, this marriage was "good enough."

I found that I wasn't capable of being angry for long and I too forgave him over and over again. I was getting tired, though, and with two young kids to take care of I was running out of energy. He wasn't there to help me and taking care of him and figuring out the solutions to the additional problems he was creating in my life (specifically financial ruin) was wearing me slowly away.

Then came the last straw for me. We went camping and we didn't have any money for beer (or to really go camping for that matter) and he freaked out about it. He threw a tantrum and was sulking around the camp. My family came and my mom to keep the peace bought him beer. He got trashed, stayed up all night, and the next afternoon woke up hungover. I said something wrong and he went off on me (he asked me the same question repeatedly in his drunkenness and I got annoyed when he asked again). He followed me around the campground screaming at me. He even got into it with my mom when she tried to get him to leave me alone. He wouldn't let up, I couldn't escape from it for almost an hour. The surrounding campers watching the whole time. I was humiliated...I had never felt so worthless in my life. That was my bottom. I thought to myself, who am I to let someone treat me like this? It felt like coming out of a fog and awakening to myself. I deserved something out of my life and I wasn't going to stand for this. For the first time in ten years I think I truly felt angry at him and I wasn't going to do it anymore.

As far as the logistics...even that wasn't enough to outright leave. Instead, I gave him an ultimatum to cut down and then an ultimatum to quit..I tried in the house for two months to change (see also control) his behavior. I used to just ignore it (see also denial) and this new tactic wasn't working any better.

This role of standing up to him was too much for me though and my anxiety was so bad I could barely function. I had trouble eating, sleeping and caring for myself and my kids. So I decided to take a vacation and I went to stay at my mom's for a while. I thought it would be temporary and I would go back when I came up with a better plan to deal with our problems. A plan that seemed manageable never came to me so I decided to extend my "vacation."

We started marriage counseling because I wanted to find someone else to fix things for us, but nothing was changing and even if it was I think I would have just kept finding reasons not to go back.

I started slowly moving things out that I needed. I was happier without the stress of taking care of him and worrying about his problems. I became even happier when we split our finances and I was really on my own. In our separation I came to realize I wasn't afraid of being alone because I had already been alone for a long time. Yet still, I was trying to save things because I didn't want my marriage to end.

I think the reason I stayed so long is because I believe in commitment and because I believe you don't walk out on family, but I didn't really want to be with him anymore I just keep being there because it was "good enough" and even sometimes because "it wasn't that bad." I know now that I can still love him and see him as family and not be in a relationship with him, but by not walking out on him I was walking out on myself and on my ability to feel. Finally I faced my truths, though, and after months of ups and downs I finally called it quits.

I think when the time to leave comes you will know, but the hesitation is tough to break away from. The tricky part for me was trusting myself enough to believe it.
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