Dear stuckinthemidst,
Where are you going to? do you have a safe place to go to?
I am learning family does not have to have your blood or last name. You have us here in SR for a start. Recovering and taking charge of your life will bring new healthier people to your life. Even if you don't want to meet anyone, lol. They will come. And you will be choosing better, who deserves your time and who doesn't. That is how it was for me.
I have been abused and have gone through humiliating stuff just seeking morsels of love and attention. It is very hard to recognize this incredible void in me. I am angry with many people and angry with myself for believing at any time I deserved that kind of cruelty. I never deserved it.
I have gone to therapists and recently found one I can trust more. I am understanding many things about myself. I am realizing many of my feelings and attitudes have been learned from other people. I am finding out who I am.... it sucks often... tonight has been hard. But the great people here in SR and some real life angels have taught me I am not alone and that it is in my hands to feel better. That includes forgiving and inner work. That work is very very hard but there are payoffs. Incredible payoffs. I am rambling here but I am glad you no longer want to be in the frequency of pain. You are already choosing something different. That is wonderful.
There is much to look forward to. Take deep breaths. Let us know how you feel and how we can help. I had faith in nothing and was even becoming suicidal,2 years ago. Very depressed and angry. HP has sent me healers and messengers-even 2 cats!- and has renewed my Hope. One step at a time. You are worth a lot and deserve peace, a new chapter in your life. If you can imagine it, it is possible. It is already yours.