Nicegal, welcome, this board is a great place to be right now. I agree with the folks that have posted. I get this sense that you haven't opened up to anyone about this problem and what you are going through. Please find someone in your area that you can trust and talk to them about what is going on. You need all the support you can get to help you though this. It will be tough, but once you decide to move forward, you can do it. My paryers are with you that you may find someone to help you be strong through this.