Hi, maverick. I left XAH over 2 years ago now. DS was 3. Our first year free was the best thing ever. Unfortunately, I had to deal with an A who wasn't interested in being a dad or adult, and he was couch surfing. DS did not see his dad much that year and most definitely did not stay overnight. Not unexpectedly, XAH blamed his living arrangements on me and blamed where he was living for his failure to see DS.
DS wasn't ok with this, but it was familiar. XAH wasn't involved with much beyond his vodka while we lived with him.
Fast forward a bit. XAH met a new Codie enabler GF who has 2 kids of her own. Moved in with her the same month they met. And he decided to play the 'I'm such a good father, but she's such a vindictive b---- and keeps my son from me' game. All of a sudden the last-minute calls asking to take DS started. DS refused to stay the night, so there were several late night returns with XAH all po'd and DS in tears. And again, that was all my fault. I tried to set a schedule, he got angry and abusive towards me again.
The court set up a visitation schedule with visits being supervised by his father or sister. The visits started thinning out with the excuse that both supervisors had to work that weekend. (His dad is 80yo and retired.)
The final divorce hearing is held. The judge allows GF to be a supervisor and tells her she's the canary in the mine. She's supposed to sing if he drinks, behaves in a angry or controlling manner, etc. Not a single visit has been missed, because GF comes alone to pick up DS every weekend. But she is not singing the way she supposed to. I have to continue the journal of visitation issues.
DS is having a really hard time with it all. I've found an amazing counselor for him to see, who specializes in play therapy. She is some one who is a neutral party in this whole scenario. DS can tell her whatever he wants without worrying about hurting my feelings or his dad's.
If you're looking for advice, my single biggest piece of advice would be to document everything. The good, the bad, the ugly.
It's going to be hard on them. Be open with them in an age-appropriate way and assure them both of you still love them. If it starts to look like it's getting to be too much for them to handle on their own, don't be afraid to find some one for them to talk to.
And don't forget to keep your support lines open and at hand too.