I understand lifewenton.
Interesting that you point out that you were sabotaging that relationship with disorganization. I did the exact same thing.
sometimes when we feel that we aren't being heard--we do the extreme to upset them. What we want is to be heard. What we accomplish is both sabotage of the relationship, and self-sabotage. As if we could drink poison and expect the other person to die. Ha! Look at what I did! What are you going to do about it? I can be insane too, and I'm going to prove it and throw your sense of security and predictability off as you have done to me!
Letting go of these habits and thinking patterns can be very difficult. Those who are in relationships with alcoholics often create chaos and dysfunction themselves. Soon we find that we are sick too. It is insanity to think we can solve a problem by creating another one. I get it though!
6 months out and I'm still learning day by day, minute by minute to let go of 10 years of dysfunctional thinking. Some days are, well, a write-off. Some better.
Your hypervigilance, and how cyranoak spoke of PTSD, are right on. I agree with this wholeheartedly.
Here's the positive side to it though--if you weren't so aware, would life be better? What if you hadn't learned the skills of understanding psychology better? What if you were a person who threw caution to the wind often, and didn't think through the effects that you had on others? What if you were less aware, and ergo, more selfish? Do you really want that person back?
You have grown, and awareness is part of that. Accept and embrace that maybe? Because I don't think that awareness is ever going away, although at 6 months out, what do I know!
But I can look at the bright side of that coin.
Like this--"The unexamined life is not worth living".