I am digging up an old post from tjp from another thread of mine...
I bought the book as soon as it was recommended, and came home to discover it sitting outside my apartment door last night. Once I started to read, I couldn't put it down... It just explained so many of the things I was going through, and it actually feels good to see someone else write it out in black and white.
I love books, so I generally avoid writing in them because I'm always afraid I'll "deface" the good ones, but I'll confess I'm already on my second pen and I'm only halfway through. I
have to mark up this book, because then I can easily verify to myself that I'm not crazy. It has everything in here, right down to the horrible XXX movies he keeps bringing home "for me", the way he won't let me drive my own car, the constant reminders of every single thing he's ever done for me, and all the stuff he keeps buying "for me" that I don't want that keeps him/me in debt.
At work he's such a great, intelligent, smart guy, and everyone loves him, but as soon as it has anything to do with me he feels he's entitled to have someone wait on him hand and foot. He's always worst when he's drunk, but I've been realizing that when he was sober he's always used manipulation as well... This explains why he keeps calling from inside rehab (doesn't want to relinquish control), why he defines himself through the fact that I'm there, to why sometimes he's so fun to be with...
I'm a complete emotional wreck still, especially since seeing him on Sunday (it
was the wrong thing to do - but I'm still glad I did it, because now I know I can't see him at all when he gets out), but this book has been helping me finally put the puzzle together...
I wanted to share this, in case anyone else here is going through what I am going through. The drinking may make it worse, but once he's sober he'll still be abusive. Get this book, it will be the best investment you ever made.
Why Does He Do That?
Inside the Minds of Abusive and Controlling Men
Lundy Bancroft
And thank you so much, tjp. I believe you've saved my life, or at the very least, my future. <3
Originally Posted by
tjp613 
Now would be a good time to thank God you never got married!!!
I used to volunteer on a domestic abuse hotline and I can tell you with all assurance that he definitely fits the profile of an abuser. It can be difficult to see when you are in the middle of it all--living it--and the control is insidious. He seems particularly adept!
I'd like to recommend a book that will be VERY helpful for you to read: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You should be able to find a used copy online for about $5.00-6.00.
I would also like to point out (and you'll learn the same in the book if you read it) that controlling, abusive men are notoriously difficult to treat successfully. Please don't fool yourself into thinking that a few trips to the psychologist and a handful of AA meetings will do the trick. Chances are great that he is ONLY doing those things as a manipulation to get back with you -- you have clearly stated this is required, so that's why he's doing it! A month or two from now things will most likely be exactly the same--or maybe much worse.