thinking of you, cyrano, and wanting to embrace you in your fear and anger.
the only thing i can add, or underscore, is to remain calm when you do see her!
you do not want to risk her flipping things and thinking you're the one that's "f*%#ed" as the kids say, or you're a control freak and discount what you have to say.
setting rules and consequences, then rationally and calmly and consistently following through on them will tell her she suffers at home when she acts out, and more importantly, that YOU LOVE HER
peace....