Thanks Guys, KittyP, I agree, there has to be something to aim for. Cyranoak, yes I see, 'stating' and not 'alluding': Alluding is a weak way of taking the edge off the harshness of a statement but is of course ambiguous in the end.
In the car on the way there this morning there was extreme tearfulness on her part, and guarded but compassionate listening on my part (hiding inner anguish, counting the minutes to the place, trying to disguise my edginess).
The conversation went like this:
“Promise you won't leave me"
"I can't promise that, its pretty clear this is not sustainable as it is right now, this family".
"So what are you saying? "
“I’m saying that my first choice is that we have a great little family but I can’t promise it”.
“So if I get fixed will we have a family”
“Sure, if your recovery is going well, can’t see why not”
I was happy enough with all that.
It broke my already broken heart and I was on the verge of my own tears the rest of the day, but writing this tonight with my girls mucking around in the living room there is this a palpable lightness of mood about the place, you could almost touch it!