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Old 01-05-2011, 05:40 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
naive
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi newlywed-

first, i'd like to welcome you to our little group.

i can empathise with you because i too was raised by non-drinkers and i too didn't realize the extent of my partner's drinking until i had moved in with him. there were plenty of red flags, but i wasn't savy enough about alcoholism to see them. we dated for 4 years but we each had our own places, so it was quite easy for him to hide.

however, once i moved in with him, it all became quite clear quite quickly.

you said:
I am pretty sure he had problems before we met, and just never had anyone who cared enough to call him out on it.
i feel this is dangerous thinking...the part where you are the first person to care enough to save him and help him...

believe me, i am speaking from experience. with mine, i was going to save him. i was quite wealthy at the time and he was poor. i remember deciding that i would give him the opportunity to succeed at his trade. he was a shellfish worker. i bought him gear, i bought him a car, i bought him a boat...there, i thought to myself, now he can succeed as he has everything he needs to do so...

however, that's not what happened. he drank too much.

it is very dangerous co-dependent thinking to think that your love, your understanding, your continued forgiveness is going to change an alcoholic. the disease has too strong a hold over them. please don't underestimate it like i did.

in my recovery, i learned that even though my parents weren't drinkers, there was a lot of controlling behavior on the part of my father and a lot of co-dependent behavior on the part of my mother. i benefited very much from getting a therapist and exploring how i learned these co-dependent patterns very early in my childhood.

i would recommend that you do some reading on establishing boundaries and determining what you are willing to live with and what you aren't willing to live with. there is a lot of good information on this site which will help you.

for myself, i couldn't deal with the hangovers, the depression, the lies, the lying about, the moaning, the euphoric highs. it was a very difficult ride and my life was constantly churned about by his behaviors. it was up and down, up and down...it rarely stopped...

i would be careful to not entangle your finances with his, as an alcoholic will soon drink his way through your wages at an astonishing speed. please take steps to protect your finances; specifically, no joint accounts, no joint credit cards, no shared mortgages or car deeds. also, don't lend him any money as this will enable him to drink more. i would also ask you to consider being cautious about falling pregnant, as a baby has kept many of us entrenched far longer than we should have.

lastly, i would be cautious with sharing a car with an alcoholic. make sure your car is in your name only, otherwise, you could be liable for an accident or worse should he drink and drive.

i'm not trying to scare you, but i'm trying to keep you safe while you figure out what you want to do regarding his drinking. taking some steps now could save you a lot of heartache or entrapment in the future. you are fresh into this marriage and there are no children, so your options remain open at this time.
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