Moving out for good
Tomorrow I have plans to go get the rest of my things from STBXAH's house. I have what I need, but I have left behind my storage and my keep sakes. I need to get those things to free myself in a tangible way, but I am feeling so many emotions about it.
I have been feeling great on my own and I am confident of my decision to leave, but I find the doing part of this decision to be horribly painful and I have avoided it. I know it is time to face the realities, but I am terrified.
I feel scared about going back into that house and seeing the place as a shell of what I remember it being. I am afraid AH might start some drama with me or worse I might have to face his pain. I am afraid he will be drunk when I get there and I am afraid he won't. I am afraid I will find an excuse to run away and not get all my things like I have several other times in the past three months.
Called AH on the phone to remind him I was coming to get my things and he started crying. I didn't know what to say. I stupidly asked him if he was ok...he said he wasn't. I just said I am sorry and got off the phone. I wanted to do more. I still feel when I hear his pain that I want to help him, to make it better. I want to forgive and forget, but doing that means going back to forgetting myself and forgetting my needs.
I just want him to be angry at me, I want him to yell like he has so many times in the past. Instead, he is sad and it hurts. I feel like the worst person alive for "failing" him. I feel like I pulled the rug out from under him and I hate that I am doing that, but for once in my life I feel like I know what is best for me and I need to follow through.