yorkiegirl

Hello Again MamaDuck,

When my husband was in the throws of his active alcoholism, we had similar arguments. I tried to be rational, calm, loving, understanding, etc. about his drinking (and smoking pot). It would then turn into a blown out argument because he would start throwing this and that into the argument. I always had to remember "My mind is clear. I don't have any substances in my mind & body. I am not crazy. I need to stop getting sucked into his illogic & insanity (although it was too late, I was already deeply affected by alcohol addiction/codependency well before I had even met him. That's why I was with him.) When my husband would say, "You knew what you were getting into!" I *finally* got it (after 13 & 1/2 years or so), he was saying to me, "I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE. I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE!" He was correct. I knew what I was getting into. I knew he was an alcoholic/addict. I accepted him at that time. (But deep down in the recesses of my heart, I also believed that with true love, we could overcome this and he would change. One day he would see that "our love" was greater & more rewarding than the love affairs he was having with Bud (Bud Weiser) and MaryJane (pot). Yeah right! (I was borderline delusional, looking back!)

It really hit me when we had our child. His addiction was not getting better. It was getting worse. (It was always bad but I didn't see it until our daughter was born. It had finally become *unacceptable* for me. Yet, it took 3&1/2 years of my daughter's life for me to get my daughter out of this insanity.) I felt immobilized for a while, but I knew I had no choice but to leave. Alcoholism/addiction was ravaging my mind, body & soul. It was robbing our daughter not only of a father but a mother too.
I took our three & a half year old daughter at the time and left. Things progressed for the worse for my husband. (My situation wasn't good either. I was so sad and heartbroken but the separation gave me distance & clarity. I was able to feel love for him again but also sadness that I had no control over his addictions. Eventually my husband hit his bottom and entered an inpatient program for 30 days. He has been almost 10 months sober. (We are still separated but working on my moving back home. I am working hard on myself because I know we will have challenges along the way! I dont' have control over his addictions. I don't have control over his recovery. I only have control over my responses and my own recovery.

The lesson I have learned is that for "recovery" to happen for the addict (and for the codependent partner) is that we must crash & crash hard, if we survive the crash. (I was always afraid my husband wouldn't survive the crash so I would enable, be that last cushion where he could fall. I wasn't helping him (or myself) at all by doing so.

What you described really spoke to me, especially about your boyfriend/husband saying, "You knew what you were getting into" and how a rational, calm, loving "discussion" could turn into a convoluted, illogical, verbally assaultive argument. I finally realized this is insanity (saying, doing, repeating the same things over & over and on my part expecting different results.) "You knew what you were getting into" is a way of the addict saying (for now), "I am who I am. Don't try to change me! Accept me for who I am."

Yes, that's what addicts do. And yes, that's what those of us who love, care about & marry addicts get sucked into. . . It hurts to read your post but at the same time, I have hope that you will finally hear your partner's statement, you will focus on yourself, and you will find support here on SR. When you change, you will often see a change in the addict. Please keep posting!

Big hugs to you, MamaDuck! I sooooo hear you on this!