You definetly are not alone. I don't know your family situation, but I do know that those of us who come from families of addicts we seem to be able to find them in abundance in our adult relationships.
You saying being in love with the provider and lover and hateing the other is sooo familiar. When I was 18 I married a man who was so strong proud and in my eyes perfect except.....when he drank. It seemed that he was a totally different person as if the booze had hidden the man i loved behind those angry glazed over eyes. I mean literally he did not look himself. but sober he was sooo good and our lives were (dare I say) perfect!
I have not a single answer for you or great pearls of wisdom. I know from experience in your AH's mind there is no problem because he doesn't drink daily and only drinks when "he" wants to. that was what I was up against as well. All I can say is keep trying but don't let his Mr. Hide words and actions be permanent guests in your thoughts.