reefbreakbda, you asked
"I do examine to what I extent I enable but where does “enabling” end, and outright “punitive measures” begin?"
Al-Anon recovery is about reclaiming our own lives. We do this by learning to focus on ourselves. One of the great gifts of the recovery movement is the concept of
detachment with love.
I strongly recommend you practicing the
LOVE approach for recovery.
LOVE stands for:
Let the drinker experience the negative consequences of drinking.
Optimise your time together when the drinker is sober.
Value the drinker as the person you love(d).
Encourage change.
In step one of the
LOVE approach to helping a partner, friend or relative beat their alcohol problems, you need to:
Let the drinker experience the negative consequences of drinking. If you always make excuses for her drinking and make sure she is not inconvenienced, why should she
change? If, instead, you make it clear that when she chooses to drink, any consequences are her responsibility and that you are no longer covering for her, cleaning up after her or protecting her, then she will start to feel the effects of her drinking and it will become less attractive.
Optimise your time together when the drinker is sober. Although leaving her to experience the negatives of drinking should encourage change, it is also true that a
drinker is more likely to be persuaded to change her behaviour if there is a positive incentive. By offering alternatives to drinking, you are showing her that life can be good when she’s sober, that you care — and that she does have a definite choice: it’s her responsibility if she chooses to drink.
Value the drinker as the person you love(d). At some stage you are going to have to have a discussion with your drinker about her problem. In this part of the strategy,
it is suggested that you try to rekindle the love you once felt (and perhaps still do) for each other.
The last part is to encourage and support any move toward change, such as cutting down alcohol consumption or a visit to the doctor or even rehab.
Research shows that beating any addiction usually takes a few attempts. But each attempt is one step closer to change.
It is time to let it go. It is time to let him or her go. That doesn't mean we can't love that person anymore. It means that we will feel the immense relief that comes when we stop denying reality and begin accepting. We release that person to be who he or she actually is. We stop trying to make that person be someone he or she is not. We deal with our feelings and walk away from the destructive system. We learn to detach with love.
Letting Go . . . 
To
“let go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To
“let go” is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To
“let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To
“let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To
“let go” is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To
“let go” is not to care for, but to care about.
To
“let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To
“let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To
“let go” is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To
“let go” is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To
“let go” is not to deny, but to accept.
To
“let go” it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To
“let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To
“let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To
“let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To
“let go” is to fear less, and love more.
Author Unknown.
Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix