I struggled with heaping helpings of guilt when I decided to leave. My head knew it was the right thing to do, and had been telling me so for quite awhile. My heart wanted to believe his pleadings and promises of all the changes he would make and how sorry he was. It was a daily struggle as to which I would listen to.
Ultimately, I came to realize that even if he did make the changes and get help, it wouldn't erase the pain of the past. I wasn't going to be able to magically quit walking on egg shells, or quit waiting for the next slip up or out-of-control event. I could forgive, but I wasn't sure I could forget. I told myself it was the relationship that was toxic and broken, not either of us. The relationship had run its course and wasn't ever going to be what I wanted it to be. (by the way, I highly recommend looking up "its called a break up because it's broken." good book, websites etc)
He needed to make changes, get help, get healthier in order to live a better life. It was his choice to do that or not.
The same was true for me and my life. I realized that MY life and choices was the one I could control. Regardless of what he chose to do, I had to go. With my first marriage, I didn't have a program. I just left and thought I would be OK after that. Without recovery or working on my own issues, I found myself right back in a relationship and then marriage to another A - this one bigger and badder than the first. I struggled for over 10 yrs before I left that one.... and by then, thank GOD I had found Al Anon. This time around I put myself on a path of healing and recovery.
And today my life is full and rich, my children have good lives and a healthy mom.
My 1st ex, the father of my children? He got better and has a good life today. We are comfortable parent partners but very different people with different lifestyles. My kids often laugh and say they cannot believe that he and I were ever married.
My 2nd ex? the passionate and violent one? He still struggles today, 10 yrs after our divorce. Leaving him was the single best thing I ever did for myself and my sons. Truly.