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Old 12-29-2010, 06:03 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Violet3
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 14
I get that I am not able to control, what I am trying to express is that I am setting expectations which he interprets as controlling.

It is a perception thing. My perception is that we are in a relationship and we are accountable to each other. I tell my husband where I am going, who I am with and when I will be back. I call if I am late and apologize if I mess up my schedule. I am always accountable to my family.

He perceives that kind of expectation as controlling. That is _his_ problem. Not mine. He's the one that forgets, oh yeah, we have to do xyz for our family so I can't do abc for my buddy--I am the one keeping that all organized. Honestly, the guy would double book his schedule when we were dating, making a date with me and plans with friends at the same time, not noticing the conflict until he was 2 hours late.

He's slightly better, since we've been married, but still has issues with this and I have ended up very much being the event planner in our relationship. That is okay with me but I don't appreciate the displacement from him.

Instead of him realizing this is his baggage he has a tendency to turn it back on me like I'm the big bad nag. It's dumb. I hope he evolves past it. Now with the drinking, if he's not open with me (and he does lie about going out to bars with his buddies) then I assume he is lying and not controlling his behavior.

And I ask him about it so I know what's what so I can determine my own fate in this relationship not because I expect I can control him, but that is how HE takes it. So my controlling comment is not about me actually controlling anything it's how HE perceives things.

It's a deflection. If I'm the terrible nag, he's not accountable. But my boundary is people have to be accountable and if you don't like it, well there's the door. Enjoy paying child support and forking over half your retirement to me.

V
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