thoughts
As I have been working on my own recovery, I have also been trying to find stories of people who have been thru the type of thing I have been thru. In doing that, I am pretty sure that alcohol is just a symptom of a bigger problem for my AH, the bigger problem probablly being borderline personalilty disorder. His behavior while drinking was very bad, but even not drinking he is incredibly unstable. THis has been both enlightening to me and startling at the same time. I am certain my codependency led be in this relationship - and my previous marriage which was also to someone with mental health issues. In my examination of my past, I realize that I have been codependent for a VERY long time. All the way back beginning in high school and throughout my adult life til now. Now working on my "un"dependency I find some things very difficult. For example, life feels very good right now. I am happy and content, not living with AH in all his chaotic craziness, but find myself still thinking that maybe it wouldn't have to be that way. When we don't live together (even in the past) our relationship appears normal and kind - but we spend very little time togehter...but are now able to have a rathional conversation. I KNOW that we can't live together, or have a nomral relationship, so what am I doing?? ALso I have read a TON about relationships w/ people w/ BPD and they SO mirror mine - and I have found NONE where they were "normal" in any sense of the word...so what am I holding on for??? All along I have believed that if he stopped drinking and sought counseling we might have a chance...we do have children together...but again...why do I hand on?? These are just hte random thoughts am having recently, trying to sort our my future!!