Michelle70

I'll try to keep the backstory short: I've been unhappy with my H for much of our 12 years of marriage. He has always drank more than he should, and in the last several years, it was daily. He has evolved into a mean drunk, which he never used to be. When sober, he is caring and kind and considerate, and then when he drinks he gets mouthy and obnoxious, though never physically abusive. We have two daughters, 2 and 5. In the last 14 months, I have told him I was leaving him twice, and stayed both times because I couldn't bear to see what he was doing to the children--dragging them into it, telling our 5-year-old that Mommy was breaking up the family, etc. So, I stayed, waiting for the right time. We have been in counseling for a couple months, and I agreed to give it 3-9 months to see if things get better. I have told him more than once that I am not in love with him, and in particular that I could not live with his out of control drinking.
He has tried 3 times to cut back on his drinking to something reasonable, and three times he has ended up hiding alcohol and lying about whether he was drinking. Most recently, about a week ago, he took 2 Xanax and drank a case of beer and was just horrible to me, telling me I'm a bad wife and a bad mother. It was the day before Christmas Eve, and two days before his birthday. I decided that I would lay low until after the holidays so our girls could have a good Christmas and our houseguests could have a normal environment to stay in.
He apologized immediately for that night and said it "wasn't him", that the pills made him crazy. He didn't remember much of what happened, and when I told him, he cried and said he didn't mean any of those things. He hasn't drank anything since, and he went to his first AA meeting last night and came home sounding more clear than he ever has. He admitted for the first time that he was an alcoholic, and is committed to complete sobriety. I believe that he means it.
The thing is, I stopped loving him years ago, and still want to leave him. I do want him to get sober for his sake and our girls', but I don't want to go down that road with him. I told him last night that I was moving into the guest room, and he begged and pleaded and cried and said he needs me to help him through this. He apologized for all the bad years and said he wants to make it up to me. He said alcohol is out of his life--he "gets it" now and he can be the man I need him to be.
I've been waiting for more than a year for him to understand that I have "right" to leave him and for him to let me go. I thought after what happened Thursday he would finally get that there are no more One Last Chances that I'm willing to give him, but he still doesn't. He thinks that because he's in AA now that our problems are solved.
Has anyone else been here? In some ways, I feel like a cad--like I'm kicking him when he's at Rock Bottom. On the other hand, I set a limit, I communicated it to him, and he broke it, so I believe I have a right to leave him.