russellcorey

Hi all,
this is all new to me. I have been with my husband 10 years now, married 8, have 3 kids.
I always new he had problems, told me when we were dating. He had a past of alcohol and drug abuse. from beer to cocaine. When I first met him, we both smoked pot, But I was on the way out of all that. Starting to grow up and realize I could not hold on to such things and be a good parent. He also quit smoking pot because of his relationship with me and my kids. At that time he was sober.
After a year of dating, things got really bad. He sufferd from depression, and went into a long period of inaction. This included not working, not helping with the house or the kids. (I had the only the first 2 then, from a previous relation ship). all of this with no alcohol or drug use.
I had much pitty for him and kept trying to make things work. Help him stay posistive. I even let hin move in with me sue to an impending eviction. During that time I became pregnant with my 3rd child, and thing wen further south from there. Much fighting, and crying and fear during that time. at about 7 months pregnant I came to my senses and forced him to leave. It was hard for us both. He even called and threatened suicide. I stood my ground and pointed to other sorces of help. He never really got any help, but he did get a job. That was one big step in the right direction, so i let him come back.
I got lucky. things turned around. He was promoted several times at work. Moved on to a beter job. We bought a house. He was at the top of his game. We had a good 7 years.
Then things started to change at work, for him. The changes started to effect him. He became complacent. He coplained constantly but never made a change. I don't know really when the first time was, but he started smoking pot again. At first it was a little here and there. then over the next 2 years it escilated again and again. I blame myself for the prgression. I expressed my opposition, got angry, flushed ALOT of weed down the toilette, but never really did any more than that. All the while he's saying. "It's not a problem" "it's no big deal" "well at least I'm not drinking".
He was fired from his job a year ago, for coming in late or not coming in at all.
He was devistated, so i tried to change his mind set but telling him "this is a GOOD thing, you hated your job, but never would have quit. This is an opportunity to do something you could love". He took it as a free license to "find himself" I guess. He never really looked for a job, never really quit smoking pot, and started in on pills.
Mean while the kids are getting older and much more observant. They discoved one of his stashes. Some how, don't know how. I didn't kick him out.
It took me a while, as I saw how it changes their attitudes and they way they related to him, and how it affected their school work. It went on for a while, they started to resent him, staying home, no income, no help at home, always barking orders at the kids about chores and grades, They saw him as a hypocrit. Then they saw him again, smoking pot in the back yard, and then hiding his stash. That was it, I was DONE! I hit MY rock bottom. I know it was way late. But I have to believe better late then never. I very calmly informed him he would be leaving immediately. He would have the choice of suitcase or handcuffs. Thankfully, he chose suitcase.
He has continued to make bad choices, and not look for work. He calls and asks to come home, and I ask him what steps he's taken toward recovery. When He says none, I tell him he already knows the answer.

He is deeply depressed, and I really fear that he is contemplating suicide. Though he hasn't said so. He set an appointment for us to sign up for life insurance. I told him NO WAY. I don't want it. And I wont pay for his.

I NEED HELP! I need help dealing with all this. I need help with my feeling of guilt and doubt. I need help knowing how to proceed. I need help with my emotions (I have alot of anger a resentment, and I am often very harsh in my comunication with him) I need help with my kids.
I am very independant and have a hard time asking for help. I found this site y searching for Al-anon meetings. But he doesn't drink. He is still an alcoholic and an addict. The behavior spills into everything he does, downloading music, computed games, watching tv.
What do I do?

Thanks in advance for any help offered.
God bless!