Originally Posted by Thumper

Then let her do whatever she needs to do to make that happen. Step away from her recovery efforts. The only way recovery will work is if she drives that bus herself.



She has the voice of addiction in her head. She'll follow that voice anywhere. She'll leave anyone behind. She's the only one that can hear it and she is the only one that can over come it. Nothing you do will help her with that. Nothing.



You know what - she might. She's killing herself right now despite all your efforts. She's not only killing herself she is robbing you and your children of anything resembling normal.

She is sentencing her children to a life of dysfunctional patterns of thinking and coping...and that is the thing you have control over.



You have been cheated. Addiction is a thief. I agree. I said the exact words 'It seems like there are no good options for me' to my counselor. She said "You're right" I couldn't have my ideal so I was making no choices at all. She helped me see that I had to accept that none of the available choices was the one I wanted but nothing would be better until I started picking from the available options.



The things that might happen to their mother are not under you control. You can share their pain and help them with their sadness.

Alcoholic families have three rules. Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. What about 10-20 years from now, with a life of complete chaos, total dysfunction regarding basic human relationships (talking, trusting, feeling), drunkeness, all the craziness and lack of security? The things they are exposed to - those things you can control. How will that conversation go?

We as parents are drawing a map for our children as adults. If we draw a map of alcoholism and co-dependence, that is where they are going to go. I finally saw this with my xah and his family - and even with my parents and their parents, and with me and my brother. It was a moment of realization to see how the maps made in childhood were so hard to re-write.



You are not a loser. You are married to an alcoholic. You are doing the best you can and you are trying every day to figure out what that is. It is a horribly painful and heartbreaking time and you are so strong just getting through the days. You are at a war with alcoholism but you are fighting in the wrong battle. You are fighting to beat alcohol - and you will lose. Only your wife can win that battle. Fight for yourself, and you will win. That doesn't have to mean you cut her from your life forever - it just means you fight a different battle.