raisingirl

I've lurked here for a long time, but now that I'm no longer technically a friend or family member of an alcoholic I know this is a poor time to post.

In a nutshell, before meeting my fiance nearly three years ago ago I had no real intimate experience with people who were alcoholic or substance dependant. He told me at the very outset that he had been an alcoholic since a teenager, and had decided upon meeting me to stop drinking. He attended some AA meetings and saw a therapist and a psychologist at different points during the relationship, for different periods of time, but ultimately felt that AA wasn't for him.

He fell off the wagon several times during our relationship. At first because I was naive and inexperienced and he was sneaky I didn't notice the signs until he broke down and told me and began the recovery process all over again.

We got engaged earlier this year, to be married mid next year. Three days ago I came home from work and he told me he realised he didn't love me enough to marry me. Apart from feeling absolutely devastated and as though my life is over (rationally I know it isn't) I also feel like this wouldn't have happened, and he would have had an easier time not drinking, if I had somehow been more supportive and a better girlfriend.

I know from reading a LOT of stuff on the internet, and this forum, that that's a common feeling. But the thoughts keep going around and around my head, and I can't fight the feeling that clearly I've failed him, and didn't understand him or his problem well enough to support him, and the responsibility is as much mine as it is his.

I have heard of Al-Anon before, and do have access to meetings in my city. Even though our relationship is now, in fact, over and I am not technically a family member of a alcoholic, would it be helpful for me to go to a meeting? Would my presence be offensive and unhelpful to other people who are in fact actually still having to live with an alcoholic?

I am feeling absolutely shattered and don't know anybody with similar experiences I can talk to. I rationally know I shouldn't be blaming myself for this, but it's all very raw still and I can't stop.

My ex fiance's older sister is also an alcoholic who has also at various points attempted to stop drinking, but the attempts were very half-hearted, and she is currently an extremely non-functioning alcoholic who has been in and out of rehab programs. I want to talk to my ex fiance's mother, as we have a good relationship, but he hasn't told her that he's dumped me yet and she has her daughter to deal with over Christmas.