Cyranoak

Hi Sweetie,

I divorced her and we were apart for two years. I did not support her during that time other than to provide for her a car and a cell phone. No cash, no calls, no helping her with her alcoholic ********. Just a car and a phone, and only because of our daughter.

I was single for those two years because the thought of dating another alcohlic paralized me. I'm literally unable to trust women in the context of an intimate relationship anymore. I probably will never be able to again. This is not a sexist thing. If I were attracted to men it would be men.

Because of that, because of the strides she made on her own without my meddling or so-called "help," and frankly because I missed living with my daughter, when my wife came to me and asked if I would consider living with her again I conceded (but did not remarry her to protect myself from the financial consequences of a potential relapse).

To be completely honest, I also felt after two years of thinking about dating other women that I might as well take the poisen I know, rather than the poisen I don't know. Also, I really do love her and I believe I'm addicted to her which is why I am in recovery myself via Al-Anon and counseling.

We got a new house together, she moved back in, and things were good for awhile. Then she relapsed. A big relapse. This time, however, because of my own recovery I did not make the same mistakes as before and did not indulge my high level denial skills at all. I knew what was going on, trusted my own judgement, protected my daughter the best I could, and let wife suffer the consequences of her relapse which ultimately included hospitlization and jail.

Fast forward to today, she is in outpatient treatment voluntarily (not court ordered), has been sober for six months, and is doing better than I have ever seen (and I've known her for 21 years). I truly enjoy living with her and our daughter on this day, and my life is trending positively forward.

For now at least, we just got lucky. A year from now I might tell you it was just another on my long list of HUGE mistakes around my wife and the disease of alcoholism.

All of that said, I know for a fact that her recovery is one day at a time and that she could relapse at any moment. I feel like I will never live a day of my life without fearing relapse-- a misspelled text message can send me to mental hell, and don't even try and talk to me if she is late somewhere. I've got a long way to go in my own recovery.

Lastly, I'm a child of two divorces and I can tell you that what I put my daughter through staying in the marriage is an order of magnitude WORSE than any divorce will ever be, no matter what your kids say-- they don't know enough to know better. IMHO he broke his vows long ago, and continues to do so regularly, so your vows no longer bind you. I intended to keep my vows as well. Her alcoholism trumped those vows.

Our daughter is now manifesting many of the characteristics of alcoholic/addicts which is not uncommon. I contributed to this with my codependancy, controlling nature, and denail. I fear that I may get to enjoy another alcoholic cycle into my 50s. At least this time I'll have the tools to handle it correctly and enjoy a certain level of serenity whether she is drinking/drugging or not.

Take care,

Cyranoak

P.s. I know I said this to you once, but I'm repeating it for you and others who may be reading this-- your husband and my wife are only one person, and that person comes with alcoholism and everything that goes along with it. For the love of God and for your children please, please, please let go of the idea that there is a good him and a bad him. There is just him, and until he fully engages in a program of recovery his drunken behavior will dominate your lives.