I'm tired, so please excuse the disjointed response below.
You and I are in the same situation, except for me and my daughter it is my wife. I'm very sorry you and your children are living this way, just like my daughter and I used to live.
Just like my wife, your husband isn't two different people. He is one person who is sometimes sober and nice, sometimes drunk and mean. He is the total package-- "Himself" is an alcoholic. You know this.
Sober him is the one that chooses to have the first drink. Sober him is the one who chooses to continue drinking, and not seek help in recovery. Sober him, faced with what he did and said while drunk, is the one who is full of self-pity and loathing yet keeps drinking. God bless you, this does not sound wonderful to me.
On the other hand, Sober you continues to, as another person here says often, "give him a nice soft place to land every time he drinks."
You could read hundreds of posts here that have some version of, "when he/she isn't drunk they are the most wonderful person in the world." They are not. My wife isn't. Your husband isn't. The most wonderful person in the world does not do the things my wife and your husband does. You know this too.
He's an alcoholic not seeking treatment for his disease. You and your children are people who love an alcoholic. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and as you now well know you can't cure it. Nothing you have done has helped. The reason is that there is nothing you can do to help except to stop helping (all of you).
There is, however, help for you and your children and it is below. Please keep an open mind, please try at least six different meetings before deciding if it will work for you, and please know everybody here cares about you already, and we are just getting to know you.
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Take care,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by
sweetie42 
Hi all! It is nice to know I'm not alone in this world of living with a recovering alcoholic! I don't know why it took me so long to reach out for support! I found this website as my last resort. I do not know what to do. The stress of my whole situation is making me sick. Today I could not eat. My husband is an alcoholic in recovery - 15 years of sobriety. We have been married for 17 years and we have 2 kids - daughter 16, son 13. Even though my husband is not drinking, his behavior is not normal. I have been living with this for years. It is like living with 2 different people and I guess that is why I haven't left. When he is "himself" - he is the most wonderful, kind, caring, awesome person to be around. When he is in his "ism", is what we call it - he is a very depressed and angry person. On Saturday, he started yelling at our son over a hockey stick - it was so hurtful and so ugly. He came within inches of hitting him, but he has never laid a hand on any of us. Today he threw a shovel and yelled at our daughter. The kids and I have gotten to call these episodes "spells". They are horrible and ugly and hurtful. They have been happening more often lately. Currently, I am on anti-depressants and anti anxiety pills because I am struggling to deal with this. I do not want to hurt my kids and they comment often about how glad they are that we are not divorced as so many of their friends come from families that are. I had lunch with him this afternoon to try and talk about how his angry outbursts are hurtful to the kids and I know he feels very bad about it. Then he goes into a self-loathing state, his self esteem is very low and he does not want to be around anybody and keeps saying that he won't take any Christmas gifts. We never know what is going to set him off into one of his spells! I don't know how to be a good mother to my kids and I am fearful that if I do anything, he will commit suicide. Any encouraging words or advice would be welcome! Sorry, this is so long. Those that are living in this...I know you will understand!