I put off leaving so many times. I waited until after vacation, or after school started, or after Christmas. Then I got pregnant by accident. Twins no less. So then I thought 'I need to make this work'. Then after 18 mos or so things got worse and I started the 'until after this' game again. And they got even worse. And still I would leave after x, y, or z event.
Life doesn't stop. Waiting doesn't help anything. It doesn't make anything easier it just makes things more complicated.
Had I left when I originally came to the conclusion that is what I needed to do (4-5 full years before I did it and even that was a few years to late) life would be a lot different for me and my kids. The older one's would not have the heartache they do. The younger one's wouldn't be here at all. Not that I would ever wish away my children (not for one second) but I am now a woman that is stretched very very thin and it isn't fair to any of them. This is a result of the combination of choices made between my xah and myself.
Those events I waited for were tarnished. They were often ruined. They were not good memories for any of use to move forward with. It delayed a healthy lifestyle is all.
Many hugs to you. I do understand and remember feeling just the way you do and it was not a good feeling. Wishing you the best holiday possible. One day at a time and next week will be here before you know it. If things get to bad ask your son's to take you on a drive to look at the lights, or maybe look up to see which restaurants are open and you can plan to go out for desert so you have some breathing room. Can one of your kids sleep on the couch or bunk in with his brother for a night or two so you can get good rest in one of their rooms? Kids are anxious to help their mom and the 19yo's I know would gladly sleep on the couch or the floor of his brother's room - or take off toa friends house without looking back
. Not ideal but then this is not an ideal situation. Not having your nights as a time of rest, peace, and a retreat is sooooo difficult.
ETA: Or if you have the $$ change up your tradition and stay in a motel for the holiday. Eat out, go see something you wouldn't ordinarily get to see. Bigger areas have Christmasy related things but they don't around here - not sure of where you are. Get you and your DDH separate rooms. Who cares if he doesn't like it.