Before I moved out from living with AH, I had a tremendous amount of anxiety around the actual act of telling him that I was leaving. It wasn't all that hard to plan the move itself, and it also wasn't difficult to imagine life on my own--I was looking forward to that part. But as far as the actual conversation, the thought nearly incapacitated me. I felt scared, guilty, anxious and unsure.
But you know what? When I actually DID have the conversation with AH, I immediately felt relieved. Like all of the air finally released and I could breathe again. Now, I'm not going to lie. It was a VERY difficult thing to do. And for a couple of weeks afterward I was very upset. I wouldn't want to repeat that short time period. But it was worth it.
And now, whenever I think about going backwards, I think about how I cannot and will not repeat the anxiety and stress of having to leave. I just can't go through it twice. And if I go back, I will go through it twice. So I refuse.
I understand your thoughts about wanting to get through the holidays before you tell him. But please consider whether you want to just "get through" your life, or whether you want to really live your life. I know this is an incredibly difficult time, but be gentle with yourself. You have recognized that you do NOT have to live this way, and you have made a decision to reclaim your life. Good for you because you are worth it! You are in my thoughts and prayers.