IMO, there aren't any hard or fast rules, unfortunately. I had to admit that nothing I did or said made any difference to whether XAH stopped drinking. Wanting to see our son was also not enough to keep him from drinking. It is not enough to keep him from drinking. What I could do was try to make sure DS's visits with his father were safe.
I hate this disease.
Hugs for you and your kids. Please remember to take care of yourself, too.