Thanks for your replies, Everyone. You're absolutely right that his day should not dictate my moods...of course we all know that is easier said than done. I think it comes down to expectations...how realistic they are, how achievable they are. Like I said earlier, the rational bumping up against the irrational...or maybe it's all irrational! We like to all think we are grounded in reality, but whose reality?
I think in any relationship, with or without the complication of substance abuse present (or take your pick of a myriad of other things), there is a tight rope we walk on where we are trying to balance our priorities against the other person's priorities. We are both trying to find out what is reasonable to ask of the other person, what we will finally accept and let go of, what we will keep fighting about. I see it in many couples. Issues over how clean to keep a house, who should cook meals, who should take out the garbage, how late a person can be without seeming rude, etc. And in any relationship, again without the complication of substances clouding a person's judgement and abilitiy to interact with others, you see turf setting, pushing back about perceived controls, etc. My pastor calls that time, after you're over the honeymoon period of early marriage, the time when your ego boundaries start bumping against one another. But we find a rythym in life that is peaceful when each person expresses a willingness to listen and respond. Absent the alcoholic issues, every person in a relationship has to choose when to push and when to back off.
The greatest illustration of this is raising a toddler, no? Potty training is a huge lesson in letting go. This begs the question: why not apply what sounds like such sensible reasoning to my relationship to my husband?
That's the rub...we want so much from our spouses. I guess we all are prone to a bit of fantasy when it comes to marriage...and that is the perspective my mom was giving yesterday. We all are charged with the task of considering the entire situation, then making a decision about what is really there. Each person's limit is different, what each person considers untenable is different.
There are some hopes I never want to give up on...that may be true of all of us. When we give up, maybe we ar letting go of the person more and more. I think an expectation of respect at all times is not an unreasonable one...but I need to continue to work on how that will be achieved and how I will repond when I don't get it. We all have to define what we call respect. For years, as my oldest son got older, I didn't stress about what happened when I wasn't home. But then when he entered school and I knew I needed a partner that would guarantee such things as homework and bedtime were handled in my absence (say if I took a night out), then I began to make a stink. My solution to his falling asleep if the kids were young (under 5 or 6) was to ask that if he was tired...no matter how early, he and said child just went to bed togethr. Let the little one sit in bed and quiety watch TV while he sleeps...that way I don't worry about a child answering my door or greeting me in the driveway when I come home (we live in a rural area). This worked most of the time...when it didn't, I raised a stink. Some things cannot be condoned through silence. And I couldn't hold an alternate expectation that I should give up the occassional night with a girlfriend (much needed) in order to compensate for where he fell down. But I did know it was a popcorn for dinner night in my absence...and I had to let go of that. I've gone up and down on the dinner in my absence issue. :-P
And so that brings me to the couch thing...that comes down to taking personal responsibility and demonstrating respect for those around you. I give you permission to check out early (please don't take that literally...there may be a better way to word it), and you respond in kind by doing your snoring in a more appropriate and private place. The living room has the comfy couches, the computer, the TV we may all want to watch. If I have to put up with your snoring, I may as well go to bed. Why should I hide out because you can't be considerate? So, for those who say, turn up the TV or leave the room, I respectfully disagree. He can do it...yes he can! But he'll slide into a pattern (somewhat consistent with his depressive cycles) where he starts to loosen up on his behavior and fall asleep more often on the couch). Again, I have to decide, what will I do? Will I adjust that night, or push the line a little. Can I effectively use humor? Each situation is different...but I have to learn, dealing with him in that moment s probably poorly effective. And if I'm talking the next day when he's alert and available...how do I do that? How do I have the greatest impact?
No easy answers. Maybe this helps everyone know where I'm coming from.
And in response to one poster...he's not a bad guy. I have to remember the entire person, learn how to not be stuck in that exact moment, broaden my perspective. But I'm working hard not to rationalize either. Again, that tight rope between letting go or silently giving permission to that which bugs you. My first post summarizing our relationship was a good exercise for me. He read that post, incidentally. A little passive aggression on my part? maybe. But it has been a launching point for communication. I admit I've been angry lately, so frequently angry I can't even say why...I had to let go of that. Posting the other night, talking to my mom, talking to him, finally putting words to why I was angry, and finally seeing I've got some work to do outside of "him" was a good thing.
Damn...this is a long post. I have to work.