Thread: I'm a new comer
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Old 12-17-2010, 08:00 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You have a great deal of awareness for a newcomer...

...and you are an excellent writer as well which is why I'm confortable saying that. The only thing I'd add, and a few folks have already shared this, is that when I found myself alone in my marriage the only thing that really helped me was Al-Anon.

If possible where you live, I'd encourage you to go to at least six different meetings before deciding if it is for you. How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

Take care,

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by cafleen View Post
I've taken some time to read tonight many of the threads of folks in relationships with alcoholics. I've been married myself to a man for 10 years that I know is an alcoholic. This is my second marriage, the first to a man who I knew from HS, who had classic avoidant behavior and ultimately turned to meth. He had become impossibleto live with and I made the decision I could never trust him. My love in that marriage was so deep and I was sick with the pain of loving him. I decided if I separated once, there was no revolving door. The marriage was characterized by continuous financial crisis and I just couldn't live that way.

When I remarried, I knew this man was very sensitive, very emotional. He liked to care for me and I liked to care back. I examined the whole person and decided I loved him and wanted to be with him. He still has many good traits. 12 years later, I don't know if he's the same or different, or if my perceptions and expectations are what has changed.

My recollection of him in the early years of our relationship was that he was madly in love with me and wanted to connect with me all the time. He drank everyday then, but didn't seem "as drunk" with that daily drinking. He'd make a couple of cocktails a day, and that seemed about it. By the time my son was 3 or 4, he seemed to have become a heavier evening drinker.

There are steady traits in him that make him still a very attractive mate: he's reliable with regard to work. Has had the same job for close to 25 years. Has never drank on the job, will not drink during the week before 5 pm. He has never had a DUI, has never reported to work drunk. He has never failed to pay our bills. He has never drained our bank account for his habits. I estimate between smoking and his alcohol, his monthly spending is about $200, quite a bit less than I've read here from others. It doesn't much go up. He's delightful first thing in the morning, makes and delivers coffee to me daily. If he's not gone to the gym first thing, he will offer his help to the kids and me to get out the door (we both work full time). We have a beautiful home. He helps with such chores as dishes and laundry. Our cars are always in good shape. In reality, there is a lot of good.

6 years ago he had episodes of rage that made him very difficult to live with. I threatened to leave unless we found a counselor. He immediately was referred to a psychiatrist and has been on a combination of psychotropics to keep his moods more stable since then. I agree with this. I believe he is a cyclic depressive. Not drinking would likely help, as alcohol is a depressant, but I saw a change when he started on meds. Between therapy and meds, there were measurable behavior changes. While he is still himself, prone to irrational moments where he is assigning my motives (which is never a good thing), acting on his "assessment" of what I really think and feel (which is usually wrong), and then trying to get me to account for it or apologize. The huge blow up fights have mostly ended. I will say though that it's up and down...and I'm probably more tied to that cycle than I'd like to admit. It's the clash of rational with the irrational. What I've gained from therapy is the ability to observe and interpret what's happening, peg it, and communicate it effectively. Sometimes the cycles are shorter as a result. Sometimes that simply leads to his digging in his heals in denial and not developing any greater awareness that will lead to change "in the moment."

His drinking pattern is absolutely predictable. He starts drinking when he gets home from work, and it stops with him either going to bed early, or falling asleep on the couch. He starts earlier on weeknds, but will only drink light beer until 4 or 5, then will switch to his cocktails around that time. He's created pretty rigid drinking rules for himself on his own. He's generally not much drunker on a Saturday or Sunday than during the week. I've tried to set effective boundaries around inevitable behavior. One rule I have is that he should take responsibility and go to bed if he's tired. It's rude to sleep on the couch and have everyone walk around him while his snoring disrupts the room we are all in. If I don't have to ask him to go to bed, there is no conflict. We have a pretty peaceful night. If I have to beg him to go to bed, he gets belligerent and argumentative. Never good. It's hard for me to allow a pattern of "couching" to persist. When we have company it's embarrassing. If my son has friends over, it's embarrassing to him. Another rule I have is that his choice to drink should not infringe on the rights of others...he should not yell at us, pick at us, in general, be nasty with us. If he's not those things, I basically carry on. We can go many weeks at a stretch without problems. Then when he hits a cycle, we can have daily conflicts, no matter the time of day or whether he has been drinking.

While I'm not subject to physical abuse, police visits, out of control debt...I do feel the loss of my mate...daily. He's just not emotionally available if he's had too much to drink. It makes me feel like I'm alone. I want my family to be together, but we aren't in reality. There's "us" and there's him. And I admit that I've tried some pretty outrageous tactics to provoke change. I further admit...none of them work. And yet, I'm in the midst of a cycle that I'm as much a part of as he is. I'm tired of expecting certain things will not happen in my absence, like my kids getting dinner (they've learned to take care of that on their own). Tonight's episode was over the fact that I called him to make dinner while I was christmas shopping, and only 2 hours later when I arrived home, he told me he didn't even remember the phone call...no he did not make dinner for my son. I was ridiculously angry. Looking back on the evening, it makes no sense that I behaved that way...to what end. It changes nothing and just causes resentment.

I know my choices are stay and make the best of my situation, or go. My kids prefer a united home, so I'd rather stay. I don't want a divorce. But I go through periods of time that I feel like a fool. I've chosen a partner to have children with that falls short of what I think he should be. I've chosen a life where most of the day to day is going to fall to me. I admit I don't feel like I can relax. He's not my refuge. I struggle with my feelings of respect for him, even love (I'm not sure I even know what that is). I have increasingly slept in another bed because I feel like I don't even have a relationship. I don't know what the right choices are. I know fighting has a negative effect on my kids and I should do everything to avoid it. I think it's time for me to re-examine my role and how I make decisions. If I stay in this, I need to examine how to be a wife to an alcoholic husband. How to deal with issues of intimacy, sexuality, communication, etc. How do I accept the entire person?
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