My truths
Been really struggling lately. I "broke up" with my AH three weeks ago and declared myself single and not worrying about the relationship. I felt relief and then a week later he comes at me with a promise to change. He says he will quit drinking, work on the house chores, be better with the kids, that he is sorry, that I deserve better, etc...(basically what I wanted to hear months ago).
So far (two weeks) he has stayed sober and is working on everything I had asked previously. I am proud of him, but it has thrown me for a loop. He has been good with the kids, he has been telling me how much I mean to him, and it has been nice to see that change. Yet I find the positive change confusing, I picked a direction in my life and I choose to move on and then he FINALLY decides to do something for his life and I have been reacting to this sudden change. I have been having second thoughts and once again questioning my path. I have been trying to focus on the good and find the love again.
Despite my struggles I choose to continue staying single and told him I was doing that for at least a month while he worked on himself and then we could talk about the relationship. I told him I would consider giving him another chance and I believe he deserves it so I have been considering that, but I have held my ground and kept my distance. Meanwhile, on the inside I have felt torn and have been struggling.
Yesterday I saw my counselor (that I still think isn't amazingly helpful, but anyway) and she suggested I write down how I saw my life in ten years and to think about whether or not AH could help me get there or would hold me back. I found the exercise frustrating because whether or not he could help me get there was all about guessing at the future and about things I really don't know and can't really answer. The thing is I want to have faith that he could help me, but I don't trust him so I don't know what he is really capable of. So finally, I started to think instead of about the future and what I don't know about what I do know and I came up with a list of personal truths in this moment.
My truths about the relationship are this:
-I love my AH
-I want to be his friend
-I want to co-parent our children together
-I strive to remember the good in the last ten years and to forgive and forget the bad (I will learn from it, but let go of resentments)
-I support him in his sobriety and in his life, but I must keep a healthy distance from the process
-I do not see him as a soul mate or life partner anymore
-I do not want a romantic relationship with him
-I am ready to move forward with my life
-I want a divorce, but I am not ready to take the steps (I will let the emotions settle for a bit-- as long as that continues to be a legally safe option)
-I am ready to start moving forward with my life
-I don't see hope in restoring the relationship, but I recognize that I have the right to change my mind (this one helps me feel freer to make a decision and not so stuck in making the "perfect" decision)
Finally, I feel like I have had a break through. It is hard to see the fact that I love him and want a friendship, but that I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with him and I find it to be really sad. He is my family and that isn't going to change for me, but he just can't be my spouse. I am ready to accept the truth and quit running from it or trying to change it (what I think I have been doing the last couple weeks). It is time, tough or not to face the truth and take action and control over my life.
I do think I will wait until after Christmas as we plan on spending much of that day as a family and I don't want to ruin that for the kids, but after that no more excuses. What I need to do has become clear as day and tough as it may be it is time to follow my heart.