Originally Posted by
RedBaron 
So here’s where we’re at now: I had two counseling sessions with my wife last week, one with a guy who focused on marriage issues, and one with her primary counselor. During the first session she back pedaled on a lot of the things she’d previously said about admitting to be a danger to the kids, saying that she was forced into saying those things (how???) and that she didn’t want them to be used against her in any court hearings. The second session was rather different, in that the “listening” mode of the marriage guy was replaced by a more aggressive (to her) approach from the counselor, challenging her about her minimizing her drinking, and her failure to engage in the therapy process. My wife was incredible hostile through the whole process, both to the counselor, and especially to me. She’s since extended her stay there, but it very curt with me in any dealings, and is clearly very angry. One thing she said was that she considered my keeping her away from the kids to be a punishment I was imposing rather than anything for their benefit, which just breaks my heart. She seems now to be going through with treatment, but it feels forced and half-hearted. I guess my biggest fear right now is that she’ll somehow drag herself through it and get sober for a short while, but that her anger will still be there such that she’ll divorce me and use her sober status to take the kids. It seems that again I am being put in the role of the one forcing all this to happen, and am being portrayed as the bad guy. I want her back and I want her sober, but I’m so worried that she’s focused on her anger rather than the long term, and that she’ll end up just doing what she needs to do to “fight back” rather than because she really wants to get well.
I had a long drawn out reply, computer locked up, and poof, it was gone.
I've been following your story without posting, I think because it's just so damned close to my own, that I've been rendered speechless.
Your description of your wife in the counseling sessions does not sound like someone who is "getting it' to me. She is in total "self preservation" mode and reacting out of fear. She wants to protect her disease. I would not concern myself with her recovery, it's not happening, at this time, IMHO. Regardless of what you do or don't do.
I had a tremendous fear of my axw getting custody of our 5yo daughter 5 years ago. I actually got sole custody, and I was 54 and a recently recovering drunk, myself, at the time. So anything is possible.
As far as your wife sobering up and getting the kids, she would never in a million years be able to SUSTAIN THAT SOBRIETY, and you would get custody down the line anyway. That thought comforted me during my two 6 hour brutal custody battles.
With regard to your in-laws, they can pound sand. They are more concerned with their GROWN ALCOHOLIC daughters welfare, than YOUR MINOR children's welfare. I don't get that either, but it is how my in-laws have always been.
I am most ashamed of the fact that I spent years protecting my GROWN ALCOHOLIC WIFE at the expense of my MINOR CHILD. Please don't do to your kids what I did to mine. Save yourself that shame and guilt.
The hardest concept I have ever had to wrap my head around is having to protect my daughter from her own mother. It defies logic.
In closing I want to say, I can tell from your posts you are a wonderful father and husband, and I think you are doing a exemplary job, ferreting out answers to seeming impossible questions, under the most horrendous circumstances, any of us are ever likely to find ourselves.
If you can focus your energy on protecting your children as your #1 priority, I believe your path will become more clear.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote