I want her back and I want her sober, but I’m so worried that she’s focused on her anger rather than the long term, and that she’ll end up just doing what she needs to do to “fight back” rather than because she really wants to get well.
I believe you. We are usually 99.9% right about where our alcoholics heads are at.
Real recovery is so obvious, such a change, you know it when you see it.
It is actually not within your power to support her recovery to the extent that it rises or falls because of ANYTHING you do. Let go of that idea, it only feeds into a dynamic that keeps you both sick and repeating the same old bad habits of mind/behavior.
She is in counseling now because they are trying to make her see that SHE has control over her own choices, and choices have consequences.
By your measure, and her counselor's, she is not really on firm footing yet, so I wouldn't even begin to fantasize about home for Christmas. If she feels it is a punishment, that is her choice - the happiest and bestest gift ever ever ever in her kid's lives will be a sober/RECOVERED mom. And kids will take that on Dec.25, or January 25th or July 25th. This is a long term endeavor this re-building of family.
Easy? Heck no! Tiresome and confusing and sad sometimes? Heck yes. But you can still choose joy this Christmas for you and the children. You can. Keep putting the children first - and that isn't easy either because they may scream and cry that they want mommy, but just like we sometimes have to say no to dessert before dinner we have to be the adult and do the next right thing. Don't make it a punishment for anybody! Choose joy, brush off your "proud to be weird" T-shirt and let Christmas be beautiful and free even if it is unusual or non-traditional! Why? because that is the reality. Remind the kids that mommy is getting well, she is very sick, and she is trying hard to get well.
There's a saying think globally act locally - when dealing w/ an addict I have to think long-term and act short-term. By just doing the next right thing for me and my kids, not for the addict.
Tough stuff RB. ((((((((hugs))))))))
Peace-
B