yeah, i was the same as you, transformie. years i spent trying to decipher his behavior. then i came here. and i heard the same stories from everyone here. and it finally started to make sense.
i armed myself with my new found knowledge. all of a sudden, i realized that he called all the time, not to speak with me, but to know my comings and goings, so he could choose a pub where i wouldn't see him.
i realized that when he blanked me, it was either about getting me back in line or merely because he was passed out.
i realized when he said he loved me, it was because he wanted something from me.
i realized when he made a promise to quit, it was only to keep me hooked. the behavior went right back to the same as soon as i took him back.
i recall one day he had just left my house, assured i was in for the evening. he said he was going his house, to eat and have an early night.
on a whim, i decided to take a walk down the street. as i passed the pub, i stood outside, intuiting that he was in there. i opened the door and sure enough, there he was! i almost laughed inside, thinking to myself, "bet i can guess what he'll do now...he'll come out here and somehow blame me for something."
sure enough, out he came. and out of his mouth came a stream of abuse, about how i had gone out a week ago and had a few drinks. mind you, he had left me at home for two weeks and a friend had invited me out.
as i stood there, listening to his tirade about my drinking problem, how i am friendly to strangers, how i went out a week ago, it all came together for me.
i could have scripted it. i could have written it word for word. and it washed over me and didn't touch me. i had seen thru it.
i left him and walked down the street. i noted i wasn't at all disturbed. and i thought to myself, "what would i do now if xABF didn't exist" and i thought, i would go and mingle with the people, have an evening out. and i did just that and had a good time.