Hi Stepping,
I think that Jen makes a great point - talking to the alcoholic about their drinking and how it affects family... I don't even know what to write about that, actually except to say that I've had that conversation with a parent, a sibling and a partner over the space of two decades and it changed absolutely nothing.
I was a teenager when my Mother essentially checked out of our family with a bottle of wine for company. Did my Dad try to talk to her about it? Don't know. I do know that he talked to me about his concern over my Mom's drinking. That was scary. I was already scared, frustrated and feeling guilty that I wasn't a good enough daughter that my Mom loved me enough to stay sober.
I really wish that my Dad had talked to me about how -I- was doing. You absolutely cannot change your wife's drinking. But you can parent your son. If he's talking to friends about it, even if he's doing it in a joking way or as an aside - and looking for your reaction - then he's checking in with you. If you haven't spoken to him about the elephant in the room, he's sure giving you an in to do so.
Your son's conversation was focused on the alcoholic. You're focused on the alcoholic. The alcoholic is going to do what the alcoholic is going to do. Maybe shift focus and think about having the difficult conversation with your Son instead of your wife?
SL.